


Bring Me Back Home

by PastaBagel



Category: Neon Genesis Evangelion
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst and Humor, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Asuka is much nicer, Explicit Sexual Content, F/M, He'll get there anyways, Implied Sexual Content, M/M, Mental Breakdown, Misato is best mom, Multi, Not A Fix-It, Rei and Asuka will some sort of friendship, Sexual Content, Shinji Ikari is a badass, Slow Burn, So no bitchy Asuka in this fic, Time Travel
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-09-11
Updated: 2021-01-18
Packaged: 2021-03-07 02:53:42
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 12
Words: 35,665
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26399728
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PastaBagel/pseuds/PastaBagel
Summary: He was dying. There was nothing he could do to stop it but just maybe he could have a second chance at his life. He wouldn't run away this time, never again
Relationships: Ikari Shinji/Nagisa Kaworu, Ikari Shinji/Nagisa Kaworu/Souryuu Asuka Langley, Ikari Shinji/Souryuu Asuka Langley
Comments: 16
Kudos: 101





	1. Father, May You Have Mercy On My Soul

**Author's Note:**

> Alright, this isn't your typical time travel Eva fic. It's gonna be confusing at first as none of these 'worlds' follow the original at least not in major ways.  
> There are two worlds if you will. The one where the Shinji we follow in this fic comes from and the one that he is put into.  
> I can't go into the differences of Shinji's old-world as that would be a spoiler!  
> But I will say some minor differences in this current world that you need to know,  
> -The weather is much colder, it rains and snows almost constantly.  
> -Rei also lives with Misato in this world.  
> -Asuka and Rei’s relationship is much smoother but still slightly strained.  
> -The ‘Beast Modes’ from the Rebuild Series is a thing in this world but with a twist!(Sort of) You'll see don't worry.  
> -Also, this is a big thing to keep in mind! The kids in this story will be aged up to 18, for story reasons as in later chapters it’ll get into some dark subject matter(which I will attach the warnings when it happens) and I feel more comfortable writing about it with them being aged up.  
> -Some events are rearranged, I'll let you know when this happens.  
> -Some other things as well, but I won't spoil anything else.
> 
> As always, I don't own Neon Genesis Evangelion or it's characters

He was dying.

Perhaps that was for the best, there was nothing here for him anymore.

She had left a long time ago, the blood on his torn up shirt a constant reminder.

The blood-soaked water splashed against his cold body.

The white sand felt rough in his hands, there was nothing smooth in this world.

The rusted white cross sat on his chest, his last bit of comfort.

His breathing was labored, it slowly went out but never back in.

He had lost the feeling of hunger, weeks ago, at first, he had dealt with it but now all he could was lay in the sand and move his eyes to trace the dying stars.

Footsteps sounded beside him, he inched his head slightly to look at who it was.

“Father…” he choked out.

The beared man said nothing as he knelt beside him and caressed his boney cheek, his expression was emotionless which was to be expected.

“I want...to...try….again….” he sputtered, the bone-dry lips cracking and drawing out what remaining blood he had in his body.

“You’ll go through the same pain as you did back then,” said the older man.

“So...be...it…”

“Then it will be done, Shinji” 

Shinji smiled as his ebbing life finally gave out and he let the growing darkness take over his thoughts and troubles. The tears tasted of LCL, it was a bitter taste but it was one that he accepted. 

Gendo stood up once more on his legs, with one hand in his pocket and looked over at the rotten, maggot-infested head of Lilith, the red-eye had melted away years ago leaving a soulless skull to watch over the dead world.

_._

_Father?_

_._

_Please...have mercy on my soul._

\-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Shinji’s eyes jerked up as he started up at the familiar yet unfamiliar ceiling, he was covered in warm sheets that felt so soft against his exposed skin and his ears were filled with a familiar tune. He lay motionless for a moment, instead just opting to look around his room to take in his old surroundings, there were unpacked boxes in the corner along with his cello that rested upwards against them along with opened and unopened books laying all across the floor. 

Shinji sat up from his bed, looked out the window to see the clear night sky with the moon, a bright light that bathed the city in a comforting hue and there was no blood streak to be seen. He lifted up his arms to see that bandages had been virtuously wrapped around them which Shinji was happy to see, he didn’t think he could stomach seeing his hands at the moment at least not in a non-bandaged way.

Shinji reached up to his ears to feel for the earbud that usually was permanently stuck in his earlobe. The neverending tracks of ‘25’ and ‘26’ played quietly in his ear, he smiled as he reset the player all the way back to the unused track of ‘01’ and then set the player on the bed as he got up from the bed.

He opened the door that led out to the rest of the apartment, which felt oddly warm but a warmness that was welcomed. He couldn’t help but smirk at the crude writing that identified his room, a long time ago he would’ve dismissed the gesture but now...it was nice to see the sentiment.

Shinji decided that he was going to explore the apartment once more while barefoot, so he could feel every piece of wood and carpet on the floors. He stopped in his tracks once he saw the sign on the room next to his, it read in a certain red-haired girl's flamboyant writing along with another blue-haired one’s much more quiet writing.

He cracked open the door to see two futons squeezed into the small room, both girls were facing each other but there was still a large space between them. He took a deep breath as he slid silently into the room, sat beside the sleeping figure of Asuka, he studied her features, and ignored the twitching in his hands. She looked just as beautiful as he remembered, the wear and tear of age were gone from her face replaced by much younger skin, Shinji ghosted his fingers along her slightly open lips being careful not to wake her up as he wanted to enjoy this moment as he knew it would be their last moment together like this.

Shinji left the room and made his way to a certain drunk’s room, Misato was fast asleep with her entire body spread out across the floor along with her hand pushing up her shirt to expose her thin stomach. The alarm clock beside her read as ‘2:00’ in the morning, was that the time of his death? Shiniji ignored those thoughts for now and sat down beside Misato but this time he laid down on his side and covered himself up with the discarded sheets, he let Misato’s mild snoring guide him back to sleep and hoped that this time, things would work out.

\-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Misato slowly opened her eyes to see the familiar dull, beige colored ceiling and tried to yawn the sleepiness away. She rolled over to her side only to be greeted by the sleeping form of Shinji Ikari, Mistao quickly scrambled out of her bed and hit the back of the wall with a loud thud, in a almost comical way, but it didn’t wake up the sleeping boy.

_How drunk did she get last night?! It was the normal amount, right?!_

Misato gingerly checked under the sheets and relaxed a little when she saw that the both of them still had their clothes on but it was still unnerving to see the emotionally starved young boy come into such close contact with her, he usually ran away at any advances towards intimate contact. Shinji’s brows were slightly furrowed, like they were dreaming of a far away place, and his hands were nestled up close to his face. Was it for protection?

Mistao decided that it would be for the best if she left Shinji as he was and quietly left the room as not to wake him. She could totally take a crack at cooking, but it could never reach the mastery of Shinji’s cooking. Oh well, Rei and Asuka would just have to deal with it no matter how much they wanted to grumble about it.

The toast was burnt to a crisp, the eggs were somehow crunchy, the rice had been overcooked so much that it looked like a gooey paste and the coffee tasted like ash. But considering who the cook was it turned out better than normal.

“What’s that awful smell?” asked Asuka walking into the kitchen dressed in her school uniform. Rei followed behind her like a quiet shadow.

“It’s breakfast!” smiled Misato grabbing a can of beer from the fridge. 

“....that’s breakfast? Isn’t Shinji supposed to be cooking?! Where is that idiot?!” grumbled Asuka.

“He’s still resting, he took the brunt of the damage in this last battle. So he deserves some rest” said Misato, taking a sip of the tangy beer.

“You don’t let us sleep in! So why should he?!” yelled Asuka.

“Think of it as an order” grinned Misato, she really didn’t want to tell her that he was currently fast asleep in her bed. 

“He does need it” said Rei quietly as she sat down at the kitchen table taking some coffee and a piece of burnt toast.

Asuka signed loudly and accepted her defeat, as she sat down at the table, she leaned over and whispered in Rei’s ear, “I’ll buy us some decent lunch at school, ‘kay?”

“Please, it would be much appreciated” pleaded Rei as she barely swallowed the toast.

.

“We’re gone!” called Asuka as she and Rei walked out the front door, closing it behind them.

“See you tonight!” waved Misato as they left. She looked over at the clock above her and grimaced as it read ‘10:00am’, they had that check-up in a couple of hours and Shinji didn’t look like he was going to be waking up anytime soon. He usually never slept in this late before not even he stayed up to ungodly hours of the night, this was just getting weirder.

She’ll just have to call Ritsuko so push back the meeting, she could hear the displeasure already.

\-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Shinji opened his eyes, the first thing that he noticed was the missing person that had previously been there last night and the second was the rising panic in his soul as his adrenaline forced his eyes wide open and his body shot straight up from the bed.

_Had it been a dream?_

Shinji’s consciousness didn’t have time to calm him down before Shinji went racing to the bedroom door and slammed it open, his subconsciousness mind was racing with all the twisted ways that he could still be dying slowly on that cold, lonely beach with all the reminders of past failures swallowing him up into a constant despair.

Misato turned around with startled confusion on her face, the can of beer had stopped midway to her lips and she just looked at Shinji with bewilderment. His eyes were wild and dazed, his breathing was short and labored and his entire body language screamed with scared uncertainty as he started right back at Misato.

“Shinji? Are you okay?” asked Mistao, worry creeping into her features.

Shinji’s previous calmness about his new situation melted away as he looked at the person in front of him. The person who wasn’t blown to bits. The person who he had admired since the beginning. The person who hadn’t given up on life. A real, breathing person who was _alive_. 

Shinji walked slowly up to Mistao, ignoring her questions of concern, and soon enough had closed the distance between them so much that if he moved another inch, their lips could touch. Misato set down the beer on the counter and moved her hands in effort to push Shinji away but he quickly stopped her by grabbing her hands, god they were so soft and warm.

He raised them up to his cheeks for a moment, and just looked into Misato’s kind, lively brown eyes. Then let them go as he moved to touch her cheeks, which earned him an audible gasp, she felt so warm against his touch. He hadn’t felt warmth in such a long time, his lips started to quiver as his eyes filled up with tears, he couldn’t stop the overflowing emotions nor did he want to stop it.

“Misato…” he managed to choke out.

He pushed his hands further her into her cheeks and looked directly into her eyes.

“I-I-I won’t _ever_ run away again, I swear to you. Okay? I won’t do it again” he said sternly yet his voice wavered.

“O-Okay...Shinji…” said Misato, sounding muffled.

“So please...please...forgive...me…” cried out Shinji as he slowly dropped to the floor taking Misato with him, his hands fell from her cheeks and found themselves bunched up in her shirt. His face was buried beneath her breasts as he cried out with all his heart, the sobs racking his body violently.

Mistao let him cry out his emotions, she didn’t really know what else to do, she had seen Shinji cry before but it always had a pitiful quietness to it, not this powerful, heart wrenching loudness. Soon enough, the sobs had quieted down into soft hiccups, slight sniffles, and his breathing finally started to even itself out.

“I’m sorry…”mumbled Shinji as he let go of Misato’s shirt and wiped away the tears from his eyes.

“It’s okay, Shinji. You just startled me that’s all...are you okay?” she hesitated with that question and hoped that she didn’t overstep any boundaries. If Shinji was going to start opening up, she didn’t want to scare him away, even this show of emotions of incredibly unnerving but welcomed.

Shinji looked at her and smiled, a warm smile, a smile that Misato had never seen or received before, “Yes, I’m okay or...I’ll be okay at very least.”

“Okay...can I ask? Or…?” started Misato treading lightly.

“....I need food first” said Shinji as his stomach growled loudly.

Misato couldn’t help but laugh at the sudden break of tension and got up from the floor, Shinji reached for her hand again but stopped short of touching it until Misato grabbed his hand and pulled him to his feet.

“It’s okay, I don’t mind it” smiled Misato. “I need to make a phone call and then I’ll be back okay?”

“Okay” mumbled Shinji. _Don’t leave me._

Misato disappeared into her bedroom as Shinji sat down at the table, he made his plate and wolfed down the ash tasting oddly crunchy food like he was never going to eat again. By the time Misato came back into the living room Shinji had already started on his second helping of food, she could look on in wonderment as the boy ate at record speeds.

“It’s not going anywhere, you know” laughed Misato as she grabbed another can of beer from the fridge, leaving the previous one that she had started on the counter.

“I just...missed your cooking…” said Shinji as he gulped down the last of the food.

“Clearly, but you always complained about my cooking,” said Misato.

“I won’t complain about it anymore, you can even cook more. As long as it’s food, I’ll enjoy it” said Shinji sternly, it was almost laughable with how serious he was about it.

“Okay, okay! You don’t have to tell me twice!” smiled Misato.

Shinji nodded and let silence fall over them as he thought about his next words. Mistao took some sips of beer as she waited for a possible answer to her question from before.

“It was a dream…no....a nightmare” whispered Shinji. 

“About?” asked Misato.

Shinji didn’t answer and Misato mentally cursed herself.

“A blood-red ocean. A white hellish being. Wings made of light. I was alone but I had hurt people dear to me, so in a way I deserved it.” said Shinji, his hands shook slightly as he spoke.

“Was it an Angel?” wondered Misato.

“...I don’t know. I don’t remember” replied Shinji.

“I see...it was just a nightmare so you have nothing to worry about. If it keeps happening, just let me know, okay?” 

“I will” said Shinji. “Is it okay if I slept in your bed if it does happen again?”

“I suppose it’s fine, just don’t make the moves on me!” laughed Misato.

Shinji chuckled lightly, “I think Kaji called dibs first”

Misato spit out her beer and sputtered with her words, “W-What the hell does that mean?!”

This time Shinji laughed so hard that he clutched the sides of his stomach from the slight pain, it was a real happy laugh coming from _Shinji Ikari._ As much as it weirded Misato out, it was also comforting to see him coming out of his fragile shell, it was nice to see. 

“Well, it’s time that we got ready to go to headquarters” signed Misato.

“What for?” asked Shinji.

“For that check-up with Ritsuko, don’t you remember?” 

“Not really...sorry” 

“It’s fine but I already pushed back the time so we need to hurry and get over there” 

“Okay..” 

Shinji got up from the table and went to his familiar room, as he looked at the closet with mild confusion. There were a lot of long-sleeve shirts for a world with constant heat stroke inducing weather and it was even more confusing to see actual cloudy skies once they walked out of the apartment.

“It sure is cloudy…” muttered Shinji.

“It’s always cloudy, where have you been for the last 15 years?” joked Misato.

This was definitely a strange world.

\-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“Finally decided to wake up, I see” said Dr. Ritsuko Akagi with her eyebrows raised in slight annoyment.

“Well...blame it on Shinji! He’s the one that slept in!” exclaimed Misato.

“Shinji? Doubt it” replied Ritsuko.

Misato just grumbled to herself. They had just made it to the elevator when they ran into Ritsuko who was apparently on a wild goose hunt trying to find them as they were pretty late to their scheduled meeting, Misato’s tendency to get lost and Shinji’s constant stop in his tracks in wonderment of NERV had derailed them from moving quickly. 

Soon enough, the elevator stopped on a floor that wasn’t theirs and opened to show the shadowy figure of Commander Gendo Ikari. As luck would have it Shinji just so happened to be in front of the elevator doors, he heard the women behind stop talking as father and son stared at each other not moving a muscle. 

As the doors started to close, Shinji reached out and stopped them from doing so, Gendo narrowed his eyes but got the message and stepped onto the elevator letting the doors close behind them, he hit the button to his desired floor and resumed his towering position over Shinji as his son looked at him directly in the eye. 

“Evangelion Unit-01 has been repaired, you’ll be returning to combat once you’re cleared” spoke Gendo with his usual matter of factness.

“I see” responded Shinji.

The two fell in silence once more.

Ritsuko and Misato sandwiched themselves to the farthest corner of the elevator, to avoid the seeping tension coming from the two Ikari’s, both of which looked hauntingly similar as they looked into each other's eyes. 

“I am myself and you are yourself” said Shinji suddenly, “I understand that now”

Gendo said nothing, although his eyebrows rose a little bit.

“I don’t care about your words of praise, I don’t need it. Neither of us will say anything that can fix this relationship” continued Shinji.

“You’ve become quite bold, you do realize that I’m your Commander, correct?” questioned Gendo.

“Yes, I do. That is all you can ever be, Gendo” Shinji smiled even if it was painful to do so. Gendo just make a sound of contempt.

The elevator door opened and Gendo turned his back to walk out, leaving the thick air of discomfort in the cramped elevator.

“She stayed with it because she wanted us to live, so we could see the future, don’t forget that.” 

Gendo whipped back around with a uncharastically startled look on his face but the elevator doors closed before he could say anything. Shinji let out a deep breath of relief and willed his legs to stay upright, the two women’s jaws were practically to the floor in pure shock from the events that had unfolded before them.

“Holy…” started Ritsuko.

“....shit” finished Misato.

Shinji gave them a puzzled look and asked “What?”

“You..just..stood up to your father..” said Misato in disbelief.

“It was a merciful thing to do” answered Shinji cryptically.

“Merciful?” asked Ritsuko.

“He had mercy on my soul, so I’ll have mercy on his,” smiled Shinji.


	2. They Said To Rip Everything Apart

“Can we keep them on?” asked Shinji meekly, rubbing the bandages on his hands.

Ritsuko’s hands stopped just short of unwrapping the bandages and gave him a puzzled look, “Why? They must have healed by now”

“Yeah Shinji, no need to have them on now” agreed Misato, stealing a sip of cold coffee from Ritsuko’s forgotten mug.

“I just...feel...more comfortable...with them on…” mumbled Shinji, his previous confidence was waning as he spoke.

“If we do that it could slow the healing process or lead to an infection, I don’t think you want that Shinji” explained Ritsuko. 

“I don’t care…” said Shinji, keeping eye level down at his hands.

“Why do you want them on?” asked Ritsuko genuinely.

Shinji glanced over at Misato then back at his hands all without a single word.

“It’s okay, Shinji. You can talk to us” smiled Misato.

Shinji didn’t say anything, his previous openness had appeared to come to a close.

“Misato, could you leave the room for a moment?” asked Ritsuko.

“But I’m his guardian, I need to be here!” argued Misato.

“Misato…”

Misato signed and left the room while giving Shinji a quick reassuring smile.

“Now, can you answer my question?” questioned Ritsuko.

.

“If I change the bandages, will you let me keep them on?” asked Shinji, sounding a little desperate.

“But why, Shinji? Why do you want them on? I won’t tell Misato if that's what you’re worried about” said Ritsuko.

“No...that’s...I just don’t want to see the flesh on my hands” answered Shinji cryptically.

“Shinji...did the previous Angel do something to you?” asked Ritsuko. “I much as I’m impressed by you standing up to the Commander, this rapid change in personality is rather...unnerving, no to mention what you just said to me” 

Shinji smiled a little bit and said “It’s been a while since I’ve talked to people, you’ll have to forgive me and my unnerving words. I prefer to be blunt nowadays so can I please have those bandages?”

Ritsuko took a deep breath, ignoring the strange response, and gave him a roll of white bandages, “Just make sure you change them regularly. I hope this change in behavior doesn’t change your sync rates but we’ll see tomorrow afternoon” 

Shinji graciously took the roll of bandages and started to leave the room until he stopped and said the words that sent a chill down Ritsuko’s spine, “Tell my mother I’ll see her soon”

.

The beat-up blue sports car raced past the grey, dim buildings of Tokyo-3, it was still strange to see the buildings upright instead of falling apart from years of decay and unstained from the blood-red LCL ocean. Shinji didn’t know if he was playing his cards right by being so open with the adults in his old...well...current life, he knew that it wasn’t going unnoticed by them. He didn’t even know who he was supposed to be trusting at the current moment, he knew that Misato and Kaji were safe to talk about who he really was when he figured out what he was going to tell them, but others were much more difficult to tell.

The car came to a halt in front of a small convenience store, Misato got out of the car and motioned for Shinji to follow her which he did with a little bit of uncertainty. The purple-haired woman went through the store fairly quickly buying two cups of steaming hot coffee and two cherry-flavored popsicles, that had been their favorite in the rare moments the two had hung out outside of home and NERV. Then she directed him to sit on the bench that was off to the side of the building just a little bit, directly against the wall and sat in calming silence.

.

.

“I thought that you might just want to hang out and relax for a moment, we haven’t done this in a long time,” said Misato opening her popsicle.

“Yeah…” Shinji took a sip of his coffee. 

“Can I ask why you wanted to keep the bandages on?” wondered Misato.

“...It makes me feel safer” answered Shinji.

“From what?”

“Myself”

“Is this because of the nightmare?”

“I think...it’s a part of it” whispered Shinji.

“I see...well I think it’s okay just don’t leave them on for too long, okay?”

“I won’t” 

Their short conversion stopped for a moment.

“I’m proud of you, Shinji,” said Misato. “You know that, right?”

“What for?”

“Everything! Finding the courage to pilot the EVA, protect the city when you need to, and even standing up to your father. You’re becoming a courageous young man and I’m proud of you for that” smiled Misato.

Shinji laughed softly to himself and smiled at her, “It means a lot to hear you say that...and I’m happy you think of me that way. But I owe this to you, Misato. You’ve been kind to me and…”

Shinji paused for a moment and considered his words, the words he had wanted to say a long time ago.

“I’ve...always considered you a mother figure to me. I do wish I had realized that sooner”

Misato couldn’t hold back the tears of shock as she pulled Shinji into a tight hug, dropping her red-colored popsicle in the process, while Shinji meekly returned the gesture. He soon noticed that his own popsicle had fallen to the wayside but not before it left red stains leaking down his hand.

_Are you afraid of me?_

_Yes._

_Do you hate me?_

_Yes._

_Do you want to kill me?_

_I want the world to perish._

_I love you._

_I hate you._

\-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Shinji stared at the ceiling fan as it made its circular rounds in the living room of Misato’s apartment. He had his SDAT player plugged into his ears and melted the world away with its music, the book in his hands was forgotten about as he became lost in his thoughts. Misato had forgotten something at NERV so she ran to go get it and the other residents of the apartment weren’t due to be back for a little while, something about having a girl’s night with Hikari. 

It left just enough time for Shinji to wade through his thoughts of old and new before he would have but a persona up again, one he was failing miserably at keeping. He hadn’t really had the opportunity to talk to people in the wasteland that was the world after Third Impact apart from Asuka but that had been complicated at the best of times, plus there was Lilith’s or Rei as he should probably be calling it, disembodied head but he had stopping attempting to talk to it after he realized how insane that was.

How would he even react to seeing his old teammates? 

Would he cry like with Misato? Or be an unflinchingly cold like with his father?

What would he see when he gazed into their eyes? 

His last encounter with both girls hadn’t been a pleasant one, not a pleasant one for him anyway as he had to live in their aftermaths. 

He didn’t even know if he should tell them of the possible near future or how he was even going to prevent it from happening. He had gone back and read through whatever files remained in the ruins of NERV but most of it he didn’t understand nor did he know what happened to make such events occur. Not to mention, the strangeness of this world with its cloudy days and the fact that Rei, of all people, was sleeping in Asuka’s room in Misato’s apartment, a choice that seemed to be of her own free will. 

Things were changing in this world but Shinji couldn’t tell if that was a good thing or not, on one hand, he had the knowledge of a previous world and events that he could now change from occurring but on the other hand, because of the changes his knowledge could already be dated and he was starting on square one all over again.

Shinji wished that he was here next to him, that boy had seemed to have the answers he sought. Shinji smiled sadly at the thought of meeting him again, maybe he could make this relationship right as well.

The sound of a finger-snapping dragged him out of his thought and eyes adjusted to the red-haired girl looking at him angrily. Her hands were on her hips with her usual blunt and cocky posture, Shinji could feel his heart stop and his lungs had stopped taking in air as he just looked at her dumbly.

“Earth to Idiot! Come on, I’ve been calling your name since we got in here! What’s the deal?!” she asked abrasively.

Shinji said nothing, his hands were trembling with fear. He wanted to throw up.

“Hey! Wake up!” she continued angrily.

“Ikari?” whispered Rei who was now beside Asuka, giving him a worried look, Shinji didn’t even realize that she had appeared next to Asuka.

Rei slowly reached out for Shinji with her hand and lightly placed it on Shinji’s forehead, he flinched and let out a pathetic whimper, now his entire body was shaking as he closed himself into a ball not looking at them.

“Shinji?” questioned Asuka, her tone was softer and filled with worry. Shinji hated that, she shouldn’t be soft towards him.

Shinji let out quickened breaths and decided to quickly leave for the safety of his bedroom, leaving the SDAT player behind as well as dumbfound Rei and Asuka. He closed the door behind him as quickly and quietly as possible and sunk to the floor back into a curled up ball with his hands gripping his hair tightly.

_Idiot Shinji._

_Leave me alone!_

_Ikari._

_No! Don’t talk to me!_

_._

_._

_Please…I beg you. Don’t hate me...don’t rip me apart again..._

\-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Misato crossed her arms, deep in thought, as she lazily looked around the control room and the blue water that filled the outside of the said room that also held the dummy bodies for today’s test.

“Misato, are you okay?” asked Ritsuko, giving her a worried look.

“I’m fine, just thinking…” Misato trailed off as she went back to her thoughts.

“About Shinji?” wondered Ritsuko as she looked back to her computer monitor.

‘ _Of course, it’s about Shinji’_ thought Misato, _‘It’s always about Shinji’_

The boy was locked in his room when she had come back from her errand last night with only a vague explanation from Rei and along with an angry rant from Asuka. That morning he only stared absentmindedly at the burnt breakfast he had cooked, honestly, it was more worrying that Shinji was capable of burning food, plus the fact that he flinches at even the sound of his teammate’s voices doesn’t help her concerns.

“He seems to have become closed off again, although it was strange to see him not even try to speak with Rei,” said Ritsuko out loud.

“I guess his confidence just...wore off” muttered Misato.

“As long as his sync rates are good, then it’ll be fine” responded Ritsuko.

Ritsuko thought about telling Misato her concerns with Shinji, especially with what he had said to her the day before, how does he know about his mother’s current state? Does he remember that fateful day? But discussing such matters with her old friend wasn’t wise at the moment, she of all people didn’t need to know the secrets of NERV nor did they need another person snooping around in places they shouldn’t be. 

“Misato!” Asuka’s loud voice interrupted Ritsuko’s thoughts, “I still don’t get why we have to be so...revealing for this!”

“It’s just so we can better understand the connection between you and Eva's,” answered Ritsuko.

“Can’t we have our plugsuits on for it?! I don’t need the pervert over here getting any ideas!” yelled Asuka, the last insult more playful than mean. 

If Shinji had been bothered by that last comment then he didn’t make it known, the Third Child was dead silent. Shinji was never much of a talker but he would at least try to come back defensively at Asuka’s comments, albeit awkwardly. Now he said nothing, it was...strange.

“No go, Asuka. It won’t be for long, I promise” smiled Misato which only earned her some irritated grumbles from the fiery-tempered girl.

.

The three pilots stood in a white room and in front of them the entryway to the mock entry plug that was used mainly for testing, Asuka had already gotten into her respective plug while Rei in the process of getting in it looked over at Shinji, who just stared vacantly at the entry plug he didn’t make a sound nor did he move a muscle in his body.

“Ikari?” questioned Rei looking directly at him.

Her voice seemed to have snapped him out of whatever trance he was stuck in and looked up at Rei for a split second before quickly looking away from her. Shinji had been doing that a lot recently, he didn’t say a single word to them since last night nor did he look at them, it was certainly odd to see him act this way. 

Shinji took a deep breath and got into the entry plug, Rei soon followed in his lead, he let his body relax into the familiar setting of the cockpit yet his mind was all over the place screaming at him to get out and run far away but he stayed in place and suppressed his urge to throw up as the LCL filled his lungs once more. 

“Dr. Akagi, can you come see this?” asked Ibuki with a frown on her face.

“Yes? What is it, Maya?” asked Ritsuko as she walked over to the computer screen and nearly dropped her coffee mug in shock. 

“What is it?” wondered Misato.

“It’s Shinji’s sync rate it’s....almost at 170%...that’s….” whispered Ritsuko.

“Seriously?!” yelled Misato.

“That’s not the strange part, it’s like he’s setting his synchronization rate,” said Ibuki.

“What does that mean?” wondered Misato.

“It means he’s holding himself back, if he wanted to he could go much higher” explained Ritsuko. “That’s odd, his synch rate with the other Children is almost in the red zone”

“Doctor Akagi, look at his ego boundary! It’s all over the place!” exclaimed Maya. 

The three women looked at the squiggly jumbled up lines that made up Shinji’s ego boundary, with the way they were moving Shinji should be screaming from just pure insanity. If this was how he was in a calm environment, how would he be on the battlefield? 

A red warning popped up out of nowhere and screaming at them of an incoming Angel attack before anyone could do anything. A red microorganism like thing darted out of the walls behind the dummy bodies and attached itself to Shinji’s entry plug.

“Shinji!” yelled out Misato.

“Eject the pilot's now!” screamed Ritsuko.

Maya nodded and was able to eject two out of three pilots, “I can’t get Shinji to respond! It’s rejecting the evacuation!”

“Keep trying” ordered Misato.

“Yes, ma’am!”

After what had seemed like hours of attempting to unplug Shinji, the code finally went through just in time for the thick sheet of glass to break open as the people in the room evacuated the control room. Misato looked behind her shoulder for a quick second to make sure Shinji wasn’t still stuck in the plug but the ejection plug code had gone in just in time.

.

Shinji stood on the sandy beach with red-colored waves reaching out for him, he looked out for any familiar structures but it was just him and the beach. He turned his head to forward once more only to be greeted by a much older version of him, the same version of him that was covered in her blood, the old worn gaunt version of him that had laid dying alone. The ground between him was no longer a sandy beach but an orange sea that took over the landscape, his bare feet hung slightly over it.

_“Hello, Child of the Lilin,”_ said the old version of him.

“Who are you?” asked Shinji.

It laughed at Shinji for a moment, then pointed downwards at the orange sea which Shinji looked down in curiosity. His eyes widened as multiple pairs of hands grabbed him by the legs dragging him down to the depths of the orange sea, he screamed as his hands desperately clawed for anything to grasp on to save him.

_“I am your fear. I am here to become one. I am Ireul and I am here to rip you apart”_


	3. Salvation in Darkness

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a relatively short chapter but one that I was excited to write! 
> 
> I will warn you in this chapter there are mentions of sexual acts, please note the rating change of this fic, while there is nothing explicit(yet) there are implications of some rather dubious acts between characters.

_Who are you?_

I am Shinji Ikari.

_What are you?_

What do you mean?

_Are you not aware of your current state?_

I am aware that I’m not a natural part of this world.

_Did you think that you stayed a human?_

I am a human!

_Poor boy. You must be aware of the true nature of humanity, correct? Didn’t Katsuragi tell you about it?_

Of course, I know about that!

_So, I’ll ask again. What are you?_

.

.

Shinji slowly opened his eyes, the orange glow bathed him in its hellish light, the sound of a train running down the tracks filled his ears with its sickening rhythm. He was sitting in a familiar position as he looked around the empty train car numbly until his mind had finally caught up to where he was, he quickly stood up from his seat like it had been set ablaze.

“No! No! No! Not again! Get me out of here!” screamed Shinji as he banged on the train's windows, desperate for anyone to help him.

.

_Don’t you think you deserve this?_

Shinji stiffened at the voice of his blue-haired friend, he didn’t turn around nor did he answer her.

_You can’t run away from me forever, Ikari._

“I know but I can’t…”

_What is it that you can’t do?_

No answer.

_Do you see her when you look at me?_

Silence.

_Who is it that you see?_

_Do you see Lilith?_

_Do you see him?_

_Do you see your mother?_

_Why won’t you look at me?_

“Because...I just...can’t….” whispered Shinji.

_Do you hate me?_

“No!”

_Then why did you weep in her arms while you flinch away from mine?_

“I don’t know…”

_Why do you flinch from Unit 02 pilot? Didn’t you love her?_

“I don’t know!” yelled Shinji, covering his ears.

_Don’t you want our hearts to commune once again?_

Shinji gripped his ears tighter. He didn’t want to hear this. 

_Don’t you want to hold my hand again?_

Shinji didn’t say anything.

_How disappointing, Ikari._

.

.

_Will you face me since you seem to find comfort in my arms?_

Shinji ignored the voice of his purple-haired guardian, sinking his knees to the ground in despairing agony.

_Don’t you consider me your mother?_

He didn’t respond.

_Even when I came on to you? Did you still consider me your mother then? Did you want to do those things with me?_

“No! I didn’t!”

_Did you want to do those things with her?_

“No! I...” He had lost the sincerity in his voice.

_Liar. You wanted to do those things with her, isn’t that why you masturbed over her? Isn’t that why you took her for yourself? It was the perfect time to take a young traumatized girl, right?_

“No! That wasn’t how it happened!” screamed Shinji. “We..didn’t...love…but...”

_Is that why you ran to his arms?_

He stayed quiet.

_Is that why you let him take your virginity? So you could pretend for a moment that it was her?_

“No! I loved him! That night....” 

_If you had loved him, then you would’ve killed him like he had wanted._

“I...I…didn’t because I had loved him…”

_Such a selfish thing to do, you couldn’t face the fact of his death so you made me do the dirty work for you._

Shinji could feel the tears forming in his eyes.

_For someone who hated me, it’s selfish to pretend that you ever loved me as a mother. Such a self-centered brat._

.

.

_You’re such an idiot!_

Shinji’s eyes widened as he whipped around to look at the red-haired girl in front of him, her hands were on her hips as usual. He got up from his knees and reached out his hand just barely hovering over her cheek.

_Oh? You’ll show affection to the version of me in your head but you won’t even look at the real me? How pathetic!_

Shinji softly chuckled, it sounded painful. 

_Do you honestly think we can love each other again? After everything, you’ve done?!_

Shinji just hung his head in shame.

_Do you honestly think acting pathetic will make things right?!_

“No..I..”

_Do you want me to hit you, Third Child? Will that make you feel better? Do you get off seeing yourself in pain or...is it seeing others in pain?_

“No!”

_Really? Then why did you jack off over me? Why did you take my innocence? Didn’t you know that I never wanted you?! I could never want such a depressed, pathetic pervert like you!_

Shinji couldn’t stop the tears this time, they overflowed as he was belittled. 

_You don’t get to cry!_

_You killed me!_

_You killed it!_

_Murderer!_

_You don’t deserve to cry!_

_._

“I know…”

.

_Then why are you crying, Shinji Ikari?_

Shinji looked up, blinking away his tears, to see the soft-spoken, angelic, white-haired boy that he had so dearly missed.

_You ran away from me._

“I did…”

_Did you even love me?_

“Of course, I loved you…”

_Then why didn’t you kill me?_

“Because...I...couldn't…”

_I suppose Lilin really are such a selfish race._

“I suppose we are…”

_You wanted Instrumentality, didn’t you?_

“...Yes, I wanted it”

_You caused the world so much pain, don’t you know that?_

“Of course I do”

_Do you think that you can make things right?_

“I’ll try...Kaworu...I won’t run away again…”

_Such a pathetic liar._

_._

Shinji blinked to find himself in a blank, dark mindscape. The train and the boy he had been talking with had disappeared in an instant, he looked around for any more signs of his past sins and transgressions.

_You’re a very interesting creature._

A younger version of Shinji appeared before him, back when he was just a child when his mother was still in his life before he had ended the world and before he had become the monster that he was.

_Just like an Angel. You are a monster, you are the enemy that you had spent so long fighting. Such a sad, ironic fate._

Shinji just looked at the younger version of him, suppressing the urge to choke the younger version of himself to death.

_I was looking to become one with someone else, but I find myself drawn to you so I’ve decided that I’ll just become one with you for the time being._

Shinji’s expression turned to one of confusion and growing dread, the younger Shinji melted into an orange liquid-like substance and in a flash attached itself to Shinji’s body absorbing itself into Shinji as the boy screamed his head off.

“No! Stop! I don’t want this! I don’t want to become one!”

The orange liquid moved towards his left eye and invaded the delicate eye socket, dissolving the white mass that made up his eye. Shinji clawed at his eye, trying desperately to get the thing invading him out, but failing miserably. He could feel the blood trickling down his face and dripping out onto the black surface.

“Please! Don’t! Mother! Misato! Kaworu! Anyone! Rei! ASUKA! HELP ME!”

“ _Shinji!”_ It was a voice calling out to him, it sounded so close yet so far away.

A white light appeared out of the corner of his right eye, Shinji was finally able to rip out the orange liquid from his eye and body but the sheer pain from the action almost made Shinji drop to his knees, instead, he ran for the white light away from this hell that he was stuck in.

_You can’t run away that easily, Lilin._

_._

_._

“Shinji! Shinji! Can you hear me?!” yelled out Misato’s voice.

Shinji’s eyes slowly opened as he looked around the grey entry plug, he noticed how his left eye didn’t see anything and felt weirdly wet, Misato was in front of him with tears flowing out of her eyes as she sobbed uncontrollably. 

“I’m...sorry…” mumbled Shinji. “I...didn’t...want..to...hate...you”

He glanced up towards the entrance of the entry plug to see the worried looks of Asuka and Rei, Shinji let the darkness overtake him once more hoping that the odd wetness around his eye would just go away.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I do want to clarify one thing, Shinji and Asuka's relationship is complicated in this fic but the...things that happened between them were mostly consensual while somewhat dubious at the same time, this isn't going to be one of those fics where Shinji or Asuka assault(or worse) one another because that's just fucking gross so don't worry about that. But that's all I'm going to say about that subject for now.


	4. Introjection No.1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another short chapter but they'll get longer again.

“What is the condition of Unit 01’s pilot?” asked Gendo as he sat at his usual place in his oddly decorated office room.

“He is currently stable but we were unable to save his left eye, we don’t know exactly what caused it but it looks to have been clawed out” answered Ritsuko standing in the middle of the office. “I believe that it may have been clawed out by the pilot himself for what reason, I don’t know”

“Is there any evidence of contamination?” questioned Fuyutsuki who was standing right beside Gendo in his usual stoic position.

“No, he came back clean. Although, his ego boundary is off the charts to the point where he shouldn’t even be able to function from sheer insanity” said Ritsuko. “That’s not even mentioning his high synch rates, I have a suspicion that he’s setting his own rates if he’s aware of this I can’t tell”

“Along with his rapid personality change, it’s all very strange” muttered Fuyutsuki.

“It’s safe to assume that the pilot of Unit 01 isn’t the one that we originally knew” said Gendo putting his hands together in their signature pose. 

“Commander?” wondered Ritsuko “What do you mean by that?”

“It means the scenario has changed” answered Gendo cryptically.

“What should we do, Ikari?” asked Fuyutsuki.

“There is nothing that we can do, the plan will proceed as normal there is no need to make any changes. However, if the Unit 01 pilot becomes unpredictable to the point where it hinders the Human Instrumentality Project then we will eliminate him” explained Gendo.

“But-” started Ritsuko.

“That is my order. This conversation is over.” 

“Yes sir”

.

“Ikari, do you think the boy already knows of our plans?” asked Fuyutsuki.

Gendo didn’t answer his question.

Fuyutsuki gave him an uncertain glance.

“Kaji is on his way back from Germany, it appears that the Fourth Child is coming with him as planned,” said Fuyutsuki changing the subject, “And he construction of Unit-03 in America is almost complete”

“I see”

\-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Kaji yawned and leaned back into his chair, it was pretty uncomfortable but most plane seats were always going to feel that way. He took a sip of his coffee and looked at the white-haired boy in front of him as he watched the clouds outside with childlike interest.

“Do Lilin enjoy the act of flying?” asked the boy.

Kaji shrugged his shoulders, “Some do, some don’t”

“It is one of many forms of freedom for the Lilin, although it seems strange that some would choose to stay away from the freedom of flying, don’t you think?” asked the boy.

“I suppose so…” laughed Kaji awkwardly, the boy was definitely a strange one from his red eyes to his strangely formatted way of speaking.

“Tell me, what is the Unit-01 pilot like?” asked the boy suddenly.

“He’s a quiet kid, kinda awkward and shy. But he’s kind to the people around him even if he really doesn’t want to be kind to them.” answered Kaji.

“I see...I hope that he can be truthful in his kindness towards me” said the boy.

“I’m sure he’ll like you, he’ll enjoy having another boy around” smiled Kaji.

“Yes, Unit-02 pilot can be a handful at times”

“I’m sure you know all about that”

The boy only smirked and went back to his cloud-watching.

_We’ll meet soon, Shinji Ikari._

\-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Shinji shot his eyes open, gasping for breath, and looked at the familiar hospital ceiling. He slowly sat up and felt around his left eye which was covered in bandages, he took deep breaths to calm his nerves and even out his breaths. He didn’t seem to be bothered by the fact that he was wearing nothing but his boxers. Shinji looked at the foot of the bed to see some clothes that had been neatly folded for him and then to the chair beside him that was occupied by the being known as Rei Ayanami. 

Shinji didn’t look at her and instead focused on the clothes in front him, he wasn’t even embarrassed that he was practically naked in front of her.

“Major Katsuragi sent us to pick you up” said Rei bluntly as she rose from her seat.

Shinji didn’t say anything in response.

“Take the time you need, Ikari” 

Rei walked towards the door in preparation to leave.

“Do you know what you are?” asked Shinji, breaking his silence, his voice sounded far away.

As much as Rei wanted to turn around and look at him, she decided that wasn’t the best idea at the moment. “I am unsure on the context of that question”

“....Are you aware of yourself?” questioned Shinji.

Rei thought about the question for a moment before responding, “I am aware that I am Rei Ayanami but...there are things that I’m not aware of, although I believe that I will find those answers with the pilot of Unit-02’s help along with Ikari and Major Katsuragi.”

Shinji didn’t speak again, Rei waited for a moment to see if he would but soon left the room. 

“ _Are you really going to reveal yourself to them? Do you really want them to hate you that quickly?”_ questioned Ireul echoing inside Shinji’s head.

Shinji didn’t respond to the new voice inside his head.

_“Come on, there’s no need to give me the silent treatment. I know everything about you, your every move and every thought that runs through your head.”_

“Then you should know how much I want you to shut up” growled Shinji.

_“So harsh, is this how you treat all the voices in your head?”_

“At least they gave me peace and quiet nor did they forcibly enter me,” muttered Shinji. “Just leave me alone”

Ireul just let out an ugly laugh, _“You know as well as I do that I can’t do that”_

Shinji shifted his body into a tight ball shape and grabbed the sides of his head with his bandaged hands, letting out a small whimper.

.

Rei leaned against the wall with Asuka right beside her, neither of them spoke as they were lost in their own thoughts. Rei had always considered their new friendship as a strange one when the Second Child had arrived in Japan, she had boastfully claimed Rei as her friend much to her displeasure, at the time, and did everything she could to try and come out above Rei in everything. Most of the time it ended up blowing up in her face and only led to hardships for the both of them, until Shinji had somehow managed to get through to Asuka and let them hash out their differences. 

Which led to Asuka discovering Rei’s rather abysmal living situation at her old apartment and then led to the tempered red-head to drag Rei out of her home, tell the Major that Rei was to live with them from now on and that she would stay in Asuka’s room. Rei had been annoyed with the idea of living with other people at first but soon came to cherish the relationships that she was able to build but it seemed to be crumbling down with Shinji's rapid change in attitude.

“Are you thinking about that idiot?” asked Asuka.

“Yes” answered Rei.

“What do you think happened to him?”

“I don’t know”

“Me either”

“Then why did you ask?”

“I just thought you might have an answer! He always liked being around you more!”

“...I see. I-”

Rei wasn’t able to finish her sentence as Shinji came out of his hospital room, leaning against the door frame and in his usual clothing style. He glanced at the girls beside but quickly looked away as he began walking past them albeit slower than normal.

“Do you need help?” asked Rei quietly, hoping that Shinji would talk to her again.

Shinji didn’t answer and kept walking away.

“Come on, we all know the invincible Third Child doesn’t need help!” teased Asuka in an effort to get Shinji to come back in his awkward, stumbling way.

That comment caused Shinji to stop in his tracks and he turned around with a harded glare at Asuka. He walked up to her only inches away from her face and she could feel the anger radiating off of Shinji.

“Don’t _ever_ call me that again, do you understand?!” growled Shinji.

“Shinji?”

“Do you?” 

“Y-Yeah..”

Shinji turned around and kept walking down the hallway away from the girls who stood there in speechless shock. 

By the time Shinji had arrived at Misato’s apartment with Asuka and Rei walking quietly behind him, the sun was almost below the treetops. He walked into the apartment and ignored the warm welcome from the owner and went to his room and closed the door behind him, Asuka and Rei went to the kitchen table all without a single word. 

“Is...everything okay?” asked Misato slowly.

Asuka and Rei looked at each other and then back at Shinji’s room. 

“Did something between you guys?” 

The girls just stayed silent and kept their concerns to themselves.


	5. The Formation of a Plan

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter will have a major spoiler for the Evangelion manga but if you're reading this fic then you should already know about it but I'll still but the warning.

It was silent breakfast which wasn’t a typical occurrence in the Misato household but here she was sitting quietly at the kitchen table, while drinking her morning beer, and glancing at each of her wards with concern but she knew they wouldn’t talk to her unless they decided to open up to her first. Shinji didn’t even acknowledge any of the girl’s presences when he came into the kitchen that morning, instead he just took a seat at the table getting lost in his thoughts, Asuka and Rei sat down at the table shortly after Shinji did but neither of them said much as well which was normal for Rei but concerning when it came to Asuka.

Suddenly, Shinji got up from the table, grabbed his bag from behind the chair and left the apartment without a word.

“Well, see you later I guess” muttered Misato to no one in particular.

Misato took another sip of her beer.

“What’s going on with Shinji?!” blurted out Asuka slamming her hands on the table as she rose from her seat.

Misato took a deep breath, “I honestly don’t know”

“Aren’t you our guardian?! Shouldn’t you know these things?!” yelled Asuka.

“There’s only so much that I can know, it doesn’t help things when he won’t talk about it.” answered Misato “Not to mention that you won’t tell me what happened yesterday so that doesn’t help either”

Asuka huffed and sat back down, “That idoit got the stupid idea to threaten me yesterday!”

“What?!” questioned Misato in shock.

“It wasn’t really a threat, more of an aggravated request” chimed in Rei.

“Still! He won’t even look at us and then he pulls crap like that!” defended Asuka.

“What did he say?” asked Misato.

“He doesn’t want to be known as the Third Child anymore” answered Rei before Asuka could say anything. 

“Why?” wondered Misato.

“He didn’t say,” responded Asuka.

Misato frowned at that response and then said, “I’ll talk him when he gets home tonight, but you two better start heading out unless you want to be late”

Asuka gasped and grabbed Rei’s arm, practically dragging the poor girl to the front door as they waved their goodbyes and ran out of the apartment. Misato took another sip of her beer, she didn’t know why Shinji was acting so strangely nor could she shake the feeling that Shinji wasn’t the boy that had first arrived at her doorstep all those months ago, granted he had changed a little bit but nothing as drastic as this. It was just strange to see him so….she didn’t even know what to call it. 

Misato wished that Kaji were around at the moment, maybe he had some answers…

No way! That idiot wasn’t even around half the time so why in the world would she go to him for answers?!. Misato groaned loudly and grabbed another beer from the fridge out of frustration. 

\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Shinji set his bag on the desk and absorbed his surroundings, the hustle and bustle of students had been a foreign concept to him for a very long time. He ignored the presence of Asuka and Rei as they finally walked into the classroom out of breath from running all the way to school and the girls didn’t pay any attention to Shinji as they kept a safe distance away from him, Shinji clenched his hands as they walked past him to greet Hikari. 

_It’s better this way._

“ _Who are you trying to convince, Lilin?”_

_Shut up._

Shinji was snapped out of his thoughts by the sound of quiet laughter, it was so quiet in fact that Shinji almost didn’t hear it. He slightly turned his head to see Asuka with hand over her mouth laughing at something that Rei or Hikari had said, Shinji didn’t know which. He hadn’t heard Asuka laugh in a very long time, it had been his favorite sound to hear in the desolate landscape of Third Impact, it was one of the few sounds he had been able to cherish and it was something he never expected to hear again.

Asuka caught his sideways glance and gazed into his remaining eye, Shinji gazed back for a little too long and then looked away. Her laugh was a sound that he had been so desperate to hear again and it was a sound that he never deserved to hear again, it was such a quiet laugh for such a loud mouthed girl, it made Shinji smile slightly to himself.

“Hey Ikari!” called out a loud voice next to Shinji’s ear.

Shinji turned his head in the direction of the voice to see the boy known as Toji Suzuhara, his head was covered in blood and bits of brain matter clung to his matted blood-stained hair. The distinctly black and purple colored plugsuit that had been ripped to shreds where his arms used to be and the core area that had been crushed with brute force squeezing out the soft entrails that made up the ravaged skin.

“Shinji!” yelled Toji once more, “Get ya head out of the clouds!”

Shinji blinked away the old hallucations and muttered, “S-Sorry…” 

_Don’t freak out. Don’t freak out. Don’t freak out._

“Jeez man, you gotta wake up!” smiled Toji.

“You should listen to your own advice, Suzuhara!” said Hikari sternly.

_You can do this. You can do this. He’s a friend._

_“The friend that you murdered? Wait, wasn’t it your fault that all of these people died in the first place? Did they want Instrumentality?” asked the Angel with it’s never ending cruelty._

Shinji didn’t answer, although he did take a long glance around the classroom.

_“Are you really going to ignore your teammates while you talk to the boy that you butchered like nothing happened?” sneered Iruel._

Shinji’s breathing began to go haywire as he ran down the long school hallway. 

Wait, when did he start running? Wasn’t he in front of Toji?

Those thoughts soon stopped mattering as he slid into the bathroom, into an open stall just in time for him to eject his light breakfast into the toilet bowl. After what had seemed like an eternity, Shinji finally stopped vomiting and sat down, leaning against the red bathroom stall with the door wide open as his breathing became controlled once more.

Eventually soft, deliberate footsteps walked into the bathroom and stopping in front of the stall that Shinji was currently leaning against, he looked up to see Toji giving him a sympathetic look before the boy decided to sit across from Shinji with his hands in his pockets. Shinji only curled up further into a ball not looking at Toji, the tanned skin boy focused on the white bandage across Shinji’s left eye.

“Does it hurt?” asked Toji quietly. 

“No” answered Shinji.

“Are ya still gonna pilot?”

“...Yes”

Toji just hummed in understanding.

“Toji?” started Shinji just barely above a whisper.

“Yeah?”

“....I want to see your sister,” said Shinji.

“What for?” asked Toji puzzled.

“I want to apologize to her personally. It’s the least I can do for her” said Shinji. “She’s still at the hospital, right?”

“Wait, you mean now?!” questioned Toji.

“You skip school at the time, Toji. Don’t start caring about staying now” replied Shinji getting up on his feet.

“Look, the rep’s already mad at me for skipping! How about we just do it after school?” said Toji.

.

Toji lightly groaned as he walked down the hospital hallway with Shinji in the lead, he had no idea how the new kid managed to convince him to skip school nor why he was so focused on seeing his younger sister. Not that it bothered him as any time with his sister was always a pleasant thing for him to have, but it was strange for Shinji to want to come with him. Is that why he ran out of the classroom? Toji thought they had moved on from all that stuff. Maybe the last fight with the Angel got the new kid all sappy but he supposed that it was about time Shinji visited his sister, that the whole reason why he had even decked him the face wasn’t it?

The two boys approached the door that led into the younger Suzuhara’s hospital room, Toji led the way as Shinji followed at a short distance. There was a small, short brown haired girl wearing a white hospital gown sitting in the bed that had been placed directly by the window, she smiled brightly as Toji walked up to the girl giving her a bear hug which looked a little painful judging from the girl’s reaction. The girl soon looked over her brother’s shoulder to see Shinji awkwardly standing behind them, looking sadly at the tender moment of sibling affection.

“Toji? Who’s that?” asked the girl.

“That’s Shinji Ikari, the friend I told you about, remember?” asked Toji.

“The one you punched in the face?” questioned his sister.

Toji laughed, “Yeah, that one!”

Toji’s sister gazed back at Shinji, “I’m sorry he punched you in the face, Mr. Ikari. My brother can be a little violent sometimes”

Shinji chuckled, “It’s okay, I kinda deserved it. Can you tell me your name?”

“It’s...Sakura” said the girl shyly.

Shinji grabbed a chair and moved it to the side of the bed, he took a seat so he could be at eye level of the girl he was speaking to.

“That’s a pretty name” said Shinji in an almost parental tone.

“T-Thank you. Mr. Ikari, so you're the one that was piloting that giant robot?” 

“I was, that’s actually why I’m here I wanted to apologize to you personally”

“You don’t have to do that, Mr. Ikari.”

“I want to apologize. Unfortunately, I can’t change what happened but I should’ve been more aware of my surroundings but most importantly I should’ve come here to talk to you much sooner instead of running away and for that I’m truly sorry”

“I...I forgive you, Mr. Ikari. I mean I was pretty mad when this first happened but after Toji told me that you saved his life and countless others, I just…..couldn’t be mad about that. I’m happy that you pilot one of those robots, I think it makes our home much safer”

Shinji’s eye widened, “Thank you...that means a lot to me, Sakura”

“Mr. Ikari?”

“Yes?”

“What happened to your eye?”

“Things happen when you work towards saving the day” smiled Shinji.

.

Toji closed the door behind them and took a deep breath, “The rep’s gonna be pissed when we get back, you know that right?”

Shinji was facing away from Toji as he looked out the window, “Shinji?” asked Toji.

“Toji, if I ever did something to you...with my EVA...would you forgive me as easily as she did?” asked Shinji.

Toji didn’t answer right away, he scratched the back of his head and answered, “I’ll be honest Ikari, I don’t really know how I would react if something like that happened, but I do know one thing that no matter if somethin’ like that happens, I’ll always be your friend and...I’m sure we would work through it” 

Shinji didn’t look at Toji but he did raise his bandaged hand to rub his eyes and then shakeley muttered, “We should probably head back”

“Yeah…”

\-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“You’ve really done it this time, Suzuhara!” yelled Hikari “Me and Asuka had to cover for you again this week!”

“Hey, it wasn’t my idea!” started Toji, “Blame Shinji!”

Toji pointed to the boy behind him but Hikari and Asuka just gave him looks of annoyed disbelief.

“Of course, blame it on the boy that isn’t even here!” scoffed Asuka.

Toji turned around to the very obvious absence of the boy who had gotten him into this situation in the first place.

“What the hell?! Where did he go?!” yelled Toji.

Hikari continued to scold Toji for his actions while Asuka looked off into the distance in deep thought.

_What in the world is happening to that, idiot?_

\-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Shinji stood by the lakeside that had been created from the destruction of previous Angels, the orange hue of the sunset bathed the lake making it look eerily similar to the substance that filled the EVAs. He looked at his surroundings to make sure no one was around to watch him and began to take off his clothing leaving only his boxers on but after a quick thought, Shinji took them off his body as well adding them to the small pile of clothing beside him.

“ _What are you doing?”_ asked Ireul.

Shinji didn’t answer the Angel as he started to unwrap the bandages on his hands revealing two distinctly grey holes on each palm. 

“ _The mark of Lilith…”_ whispered Ireul.

Shinji snickered, “I suppose you could call it that”

_“What do you call it?”_

“I never called it anything...just a reminder of the choices I’ve made”

This time it was Ireul that didn’t speak.

“What? No snide remarks? Don’t tell me you already ran out of material because you’ve only scratched the surface” said Shinji dryly.

_“I’m more interested in what you’re planning at the moment”_

Shinji just rolled his eyes and walked towards the lake, shivering at the freezing water of the lake as he let the orange hued water take over his body, taking a deep breath as his body floated in the lake and closed his eyes.

.

.

.

_Have you decided to return?_

.

.

.

Shinji opened his eyes to see the blue expanse of the Sea of LCL before him, he sat up letting his hands rest in his lap as he took in the feeling of the souls filling his own mind once again. He looked up to see the naked form of Lilith who held the face of the girl known as Rei Ayanami who was looking down on him until she soon sat next to him leaning against him.

“I’m surprised that mother wasn’t the one who came” whispered Shinji.

“Would you prefer that?”

“No”

“I see, have you grown tired of your new life? Do you wish for the pain to stop? Is that why you are here?”

Shinji laughed, “That’s not it at all, I wanted to ask you for help”

“My help?”

“I was given a new chance, I want to give them a chance at happiness. I just...don’t know where to start” explained Shinji.

Lilith didn’t answer at first. “You must tell them the truth of your past and current...condition”

“Are you referring to Iruel?” asked Shinji.

“Yes, but a foreign soul isn’t good for the human body, especially one that is actively working against you. The strain will eventually kill you if you don’t do something about it” added Lilith.

“Then there’ll be no point to change things if I can’t experience it…” muttered Shinji.

“Correct”

“Then there’s Gendo and SEELE, their plans that have always been beyond me” 

“That is also correct”

“So it’s pretty hopeless...well, I knew it wasn’t going to be easy” whispered Shinji.

“Yet your new world is different as well, the people in it are more open to others and accept the risk of pain” said Lilith.

Shinji smiled, “Then that makes anything possible”

“But you also must make your heart open to them”

Shinji didn’t respond and got up to his feet and held out his hand for the girl beside him who graciously accepted it.

“I think I have a better understanding of what I need to do now, I’ll make things better for them and for myself that I promise”

“I will always be here if you need help, Ikari,” smiled Lilith.

“Thank you, Ayanami”

\-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Misato looked at the clock as she sat at the kitchen table it read past nine o’ clock in the evening which was way past the time that her roommates needed to be back at the house, at least that is what NERV has ordered so Misato didn’t really have any leeway with that rule but a certain child still hasn’t come back yet which only sent the Intelligence team in a tailspin in trying find him. 

She tapped her foot nervously unable to concertare on any work that was laid out before her so she decided to grab a beer and another one after she had finished that one.

_Just where are you, Shinji?_

Right when she thought those words, the front door opened along with wet-sounding footsteps echoing from the hallway and after a few minutes, Shinji appeared in the doorframe looking like he just walked through a hurricane.

“Sorry that I’m late getting home, it started raining and I had to take some shelter” explained Shinji as he set his wet bag on the floor.

“You could’ve just called me” said Misato sternly.

“Sorry...I just didn’t think about it”

“It’s fine, let’s change your bandages”

Shinji nodded as the two walked into the bathroom, Misato got the supplies ready as Shinji sat down on the stool. Misato couldn’t help but glance at the bandages that covered Shinji’s hands, they appeared to have come loose and she could just faintly see a strange mark through the cracks of the bandages.

As much as Misato wanted to ask him that it was, she had more important questions.

“So, you skipped school today. Do you want to tell me why?” asked Misato as she uncovered the wet bandages across Shinji’s eye.

“I wanted to see Toji’s sister to apologize to her personally,” answered Shinji.

“Couldn’t you have done that after school?” wondered Misato.

“No”

“Why?”

“I didn’t want to run away from it”

“Shinji…”

“I owned it to her and Toji, I just needed to do it”

“I understand…”

The two fell into silence as Misato wrapped the new bandages around Shinji’s eye, he almost looked like Rei with all the bandages that were covering his body.

“You don’t want to be called the Third Child anymore?” said Misato.

Shinji looked away, “No, I don’t want that title”

“Can I ask why?”

Shinji hesitanted and then silently shook his head.

“Shinji, can you tell me what’s wrong? You haven’t been talking to Rei or Asuka and the synch results yesterday were...alarming to say the least, you’ve opened up so much in the past few days and I just want to help you.” explained Misato.

“I know...but I need some time to work out some things” smiled Shinji.

“What things?”

“I’m kinda sleepy, I think I’m going to bed for the night” said Shinji, ignoring the question as he left the bathroom to go to his room, leaving Misato even more worried than before.

.

_“Still too afraid to tell them? Even after that heartwarming talk?”_ mocked Iruel.

Shinji narrowed his eyes and whispered, “You could’ve told me that your presence was going to kill me from the inside”

_“Now, where’s the fun in that? All I have to do is wait for your soul to decay and then I take over and make the world better for you”_

“I won’t let you do that”

_“Don’t you want a better world?”_

“Not for the Angels, if it means the birth of another hellscape then I’d rather die than let that happen again”

_“If you die, then you’ll just be helping me”_

“Whatever, you know what I meant”

_“I look forward to seeing how you’ll stop me”_ laughed Iruel.

Shinji smiled to himself. 

I’ll do anything to make sure that hell never comes again, no matter the cost.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The school kids won't really be a major part of this story as I'll be honest, I don't really like the school characters that much apart from Toji and maybe Hikari. 
> 
> Also like the manga, Toji is killed by Shinji during the while Eva-03 incident.(Which I felt was much more impactful) However, that event will go very differently in this fic. 
> 
> Another note, during the whole impact thing Shinji has these weird circles appear on his hand, and looking back in the manga and End of Eva movie(less so in the movie), I couldn't figure out why it was a thing but I decided to make it as a connection to the Lilith of his world, which is what it probably was in the movies but who knows.


	6. I (Can't) Love You

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There is implied sexual content in this chapter but nothing too explicit.

_Shinji sat on the bed, his SDAT laying somewhere beside him disconnected from his ears, another body soon joined him on the bed. There were no words spoken between them as they both continued to search for the words of comfort they desperately wanted to say. Their hands were uncomfortably close._

_“Why won’t the tears come, Misato?” he asked._

_Silence._

_“I...I’m sad...but I can’t cry….” whispered Shinji._

_Misato moved her hand so that it rested on his leg, he made no moves to stop her but he gasped at the touch. The purple-haired woman leaned forward while moving Shinji’s face so he could be face-to-face with her, their lips ghosted against each other. Their hearts pounding in their chests, Shinji closed his eyes and whimpered as the lips made awkward contact. Shinji felt the older woman’s tongue attempt to make contact before he suddenly pushed her away and curled into a ball facing away from her._

_“This is wrong! We...we shouldn’t be doing something like that!” said Shinji._

_Silence._

_A hand soon touched his shoulder again._

_“I said stop it! I don’t want to do this!”_

_“That’s not what you said to them…” said the voice sounding garbled. It clearly wasn’t Misato’s._

_Shinji turned his head and screamed as he jumped up from the bed, the woman that had been Misato had turned into a gross intermix of Kaworu and Asuka, with the pure white and tufts of red hair matted together, the red and blue eye color mixing with the white sclera, as the monstrosity took off its clothes even the anatomy had been mixed together unnaturally. It’s grin widening as it began to close the gap between as Shinji backed away from it._

_Shinji felt his back hit the wall as the thing moved closer to him until it got up in his face, it’s sweet breath sickening, “Don’t you want to make love with us?”_

_“No! I don’t!” yelled Shinji as he tried to push the thing away but its hands griped his arms tightly and dragging him to the floor._

_“Your body is lying” cooed the thing._

_“No….I don’t want this!” cried Shinji._

_The thing moved closer to Shinji’s lower body as he screamed out his protests._

_“NO! STOP! Please, I beg of you!!”_

_._

Shinji’s eyes flew open, his body was covered in sweat and his throat felt raw as he swallowed the air, he threw himself from the bed and ran into the bathroom just in time to throw up what little was able to come up. The sound of loud footsteps stopped in front of the bathroom door and warmth soon enveloped Shinji’s shivering body but he quickly pushed it away a little too forcefully.

“Ah!”

“Don’t fucking touch me!” yelled Shinji as the tears stung his eyes and his hands gripped his hair, tearing it apart.

“Shinji…” whispered Misato as she sat across from the scared boy.

Asuka and Rei at that point had rushed to see what the yelling was all about but looked on in shocked silence at the scene before them. Shinji had curled up into a ball crying weakly with Misato, hands in her lap, just looking at him in saddened confusion.

.

Breakfast that morning was full of tensed silence, Asuka and Rei had already left for school before Misato had even woken up, not that she really blamed them for leaving so early. She silently drank her beer, dressed in her uniform, and watched as Shinji just stared dumbly at his food. Misato wanted to ask him so many questions and demand that he answer them but she knew that wouldn’t help anything.

“...nightmare” whispered Shinji quietly.

“Huh? What did you say?” responded Misato startled.

Shinji didn’t repeat himself.

Misato signed and got up from the table, lazily putting her dishes in the sink, and said, “I’m working a little late tonight so it’s just going to be you and Asuka, okay? Rei has something at NERV so she’ll come home with me. It’s up to you if you want to go to school today..” She paused. “You’ll be getting your new eyepatch today, you’ll need someone to help you with it...if you don’t want Asuka to do it then I’ll help you when I get home okay?”

Shinji said nothing, didn’t even move an inch to acknowledge her existence.

Misato opened her mouth but quickly closed it and left the apartment without another word. 

_Tell them the truth?_

_Don’t make me laugh._

_They’ll hate me if they know about my sins._

_But aren’t these different people? Lilith...Ayanami even said their hearts were more open._

_That doesn’t matter._

_Yes, it does. You just don’t want to tell them. Coward._

_Yes. I am a coward._

_Didn’t you learn your lesson from last time?_

_I did._

_Then tell them!_

_I can’t._

_Why not?_

_…_

_Weakling._

.

\-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

He closed his eyes as he let the cello do it’s work letting the bow guide him through the piece, his fingers felt relaxed as he moved them along the metal strings.

.

“ _I’m so scared, Shinji” cried Toji as Shinji held him up by the arms, threatening to drag them both to the floor._

_Shinji didn’t say anything, he never knew what to say in these types of situations._

_._

_Shinji felt the air leave his lungs as Unit-03 choked him, the grip was getting tighter._

_“Fight!”_

_“No! I won’t kill him!”_

_“That doesn’t matter! Fight back! Now!”_

_“No!”_

_Soon the choking had stopped and Shinji felt the control of his Eva begin taken away from him but he could still feel every sicking, bone-crunching punch coming from Unit-01 as it tore apart it’s enemy._

_“Stop it, father!” screamed Shinji._

_“The useless pilot should sit still and be quiet!” growled Gendo._

_**Crunch**_

**__** _Shinji could feel time slow down around him._

_“This is the Unit-03 recovery team reporting, no heartbeat, cranial nerves severed, arms have been completely severed and massive intestinal damage. Time of death is 10:45pm”_

_He screamed and screamed until his radio had to be shut off._

_._

_“How is he?” asked Misato as she looked at the sleeping boy on the opposite side of the hospital room. Wincing at the restraints on each of his limbs as she looked at him._

_“I honestly don’t know, his ego boundary and synch rates went off the charts when..well, you know…” responded Hyuga standing beside the purple-haired woman._

_“How is HQ? Do we know how long repairs will be?” asked Misato._

_“No, almost half of the base was destroyed. Thankfully, it wasn’t anything too important so we can still fight the Angels and Central Dogma has remained undamaged. Do you think he’ll pilot again?”_

_Misato didn’t answer him._

_._

The cello’s tempo quickened ever so slightly.

_._

_“I don’t understand, Kaworu!”_

_“Please, you must destroy me. This is my wish, Shinji”_

_“But you said...that you wouldn’t leave me! You said that you loved me!”_

_“That is why I love you, you are the only one who can do this”_

_“No! I won’t kill you! I won’t let you leave me!”_

_The Angel’s content smile went away slowly as he closed his eyes in disappointment._

_._

_Shinji pounded on the window and jiggled on the locked door in a desperate attempt to get into the closed-off room. He screamed as his guardian raised the gun up to his lover’s temple, he smiled as he gazed at Shinji and mouthed the words he had heard for the first time since meeting the Angel._

_‘I love you’_

_**BANG!** _

**__** _Shinji fell to his knees as he looked at the dripping blood on the window, the locked door opened and the woman stood beside him also dripping in blood._

_“I…” she started._

_“He said he loved me…we made love...I had never…”_

_The woman tried to reach over to touch the boy until she was violently slapped across the face, he looked at her with pure hate and yelled,_

_“I hate you!”_

_._

The cello’s tempo faltered a bit as he gripped the strings a little too tightly.

.

_The smoking gun felt warm in his bloodied hands._

_Misato coughed up blood as she writhed in pure pain, she lay on the floor gazing up at Shinji, who was crying uncontrollably._

_She tried to reach out to him but her ward was pulled violently back and away from her by the man who started this entire mess of events._

_“Father!” started Shinji as he was being dragged away._

_Gendo said something that Misato couldn’t quite hear._

_Shinji replied but his voice was too far away to make it out._

_Misato dragged her leaking body across the floor, past the soldiers that she had killed, but soon her body gave out unable to move._

_She needed to get to him…_

_To be a…_

_To…_

_._

.

Sweat was appearing on his temple as he moved the bow quickly in order to speed up the music.

.

_“Just hold on!”_

_Shinji felt like he was in a daze as he rushed to grab as many towels as he could from the abandoned hospital, he ignored the blood that covered his white shirt. When he finally found some towels, he rushed back to the red-haired girl laying on the hospital bed with blood flowing out of her. Laying as many towels as he could around her, he didn’t even feel the light tugging on his pants as he made an attempt to stop the bleeding._

_“Idiot...Shinji…” whispered the girl._

_“Don’t talk, Asuka. Just rest, okay?” said Shinji._

_“S...st..stop”_

_“No! You’ll get through this!”_

_Asuka caressed his cheek as Shinji’s efforts slowed down, he looked at her smiling face._

_“It’s...okay….”_

_Shinji held her hand in his gripping it tightly._

_“...I...love….you...Shinji…”_

_“I love you, Asuka” smiled Shinji as he planted a kiss on her lips until they went cold._

_._

Shinji took a deep breath as the cello finished the piece. A clapping sound came from behind him, he looked over his shoulder to see Asuka looking at him.

“That was amazing! I didn’t know you played!” smiled Asuka.

Shinji didn’t say anything but he didn’t avert his gaze, his heart was racing.

Asuka’s smile faded a bit but was glad to see him finally looking at her again.

“Hey! I got that new eyepatch for you! I can help you if you want!” said Asuka.

Shinji slowly got up from the chair he had been sitting at, making sure to place the cello safely on the ground, and walked up to Asuka.

“Shinji?” Asuka asked, confused.

He grabbed her wrists and pushed her against the wall. He silenced her protests with his mouth. It wasn’t a deep kiss, it just lightly touched her lips but it was still enough to take her breath away. After several long moments of Shinji not letting go, Asuka resorted to kicking him in the leg which caused him to yelp in pain and letting her go from his grip.

“What the hell, Shinji?!” gasped Asuka.

Shinji backed up from Asuka, his eyes wide and his hand covering his mouth. He ran into his room while slamming the door in the process leaving Asuka in bewilderment. 

.

Shinji sat on the floor behind the door, taking in deep breaths, and ran his hand through his hair. What the hell was he thinking?! He was being careless! If she ever found out…

“But isn’t that what Rei told you to do?” asked a voice in front of him. 

Shinji looked up to see Asuka in front of him, the one he had grown to love in that hellscape. She was smiling at him despite wearing her red plugsuit, the bandages covering her wounds, and the trademark eyepatch that she had worn proudly.

Shinji didn’t say anything but he did let his jaw drop.

“It’s okay, she won’t be able to hear anything,” said Asuka as she sat down directly in front of him.

“Are you real?” asked Shinji dumbly.

“In a way” answered Asuka. “Wondergirl thought you needed some extra help”

“I...don’t need help” muttered Shinji. 

“Clearly” remarked Asuka moving closer to him so their legs intertwined.

“I missed you, Asuka” whispered Shinji, raising his hand to touch her cheek.

“I’m just in the other room”

“I can’t...do that to her...to you”

“Do you regret it?”

“No! I’ll never regret loving you!”

“Or him?”

“No, I don’t regret loving him either”

“Then, tell them the truth. You don’t have to spill every little detail, just say what you need to say for the moment. Take your time.” smiled Asuka as she leaned in to give Shinji a soft kiss. “It’s okay to love again, Shinji.”

Shinji let the tears flow from his eyes.

Asuka laughed and wiped them away, “Idiot Shinji, It’ll be okay”

\-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Asuka furiously shook the salt shaker, seasoning the soup into oblivion while stirring just as furiously. Misato was supposed to be getting home soon, maybe she would know what to do but after last night…

What was going on with that idiot?! 

He starts to avoid her and then he just kisses her out of the blue!

And why the hell did she enjoy it?!

“You’re making the soup salty” said a voice next to her.

Asuka whipped around to see Shinji leaning against the counter with a concerned look on his face.

“Are you okay?”

.

“Idiot! What the hell is wrong with you?!” yelled Asuka as she threw the spoon she had been using at Shinji’s head, thankfully he ducked just in time to avoid getting hit.

“Sorry…” mumbled Shinji “I didn’t mean to...you know…”

“You have a lot of explaining to do, Shinji!” screamed Asuka with her hands on her hips in annoyance. 

“Yeah...I do. But Misato and Rei need to be here for it as well, it’s only fair” laughed Shinji.

“Fine! But you have to help me make dinner! Got it?!” declared Asuka.

“Okay, okay!”

Asuka gave him a knife and cutting board while commanding him to cut up the vegetables to which Shinji happily obliged. The two worked in silence, the tense air had mostly gone away but some it’s heavy presence still weighed on them.

“Are you okay, Shinji?” asked Asuka, breaking the silence. 

“I’ll get there....how about you?” answered Shinji.

“I’m fine, you’ve really been worrying me lately” replied Asuka.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean it”

“...It wasn’t unpleasant”

Shinji looked at her confused.

“The kiss, it was...nice”

“Oh…”

“...”

“...”

“Can you kiss me again?”

Shinji stopped cutting the vegetables as he gazed into Asuka’s bright blue eyes. 

“I..”

Asuka moved to close the gap between them and inched ever so slightly until she felt something warm on her lips. Shinji had blocked her advances with his hand, the look in his eyes looked so sad, so desperate. 

“I...I...can’t....I’m sorry” said Shinji.

“That’s...okay.”

“But...can you wait for me?” asked Shinji.

“Of course, idiot” 

Shinji smiled as his blue eyes sparkled a little as he looked at her.

“Hey! We’re home!” called out Misato.

Shinji and Asuka moved apart from their tender moment as Misato and Rei walked into the kitchen. Misato couldn’t hide her surprised expression to see Shinji being close to Asuka again as Rei gave an emotionless but somehow equally surprised glance at her fellow pilots. 

“What’s..for dinner?” asked Misato slowly.

“Salty soup” grinned Shinji.

“Hey! I seasoned it perfectly!” yelled Asuka giving a light slap on the shoulder.

“We’ll see” laughed Shinji. 

Misato just dropped her bag onto the floor, grabbed a beer from the fridge, and sat at the table, her mind racing with confusion. Shinji’s entire personality had just done a complete 180 all over again! What had that Angel done to him?! Did he need a therapist?! Hell, they all needed one.

“Misato?” questioned Shinji giving her a concerned but knowing look. 

“Shinji, bear with me but I’m just really goddamn confused” 

“I can understand why” 

“So, could you do me a favor and explain what’s happening to you?”

Shinji took a deep breath, turned off the stove and motioned for Rei and Asuka to sit down at the table. Shinji remained standing as he thought about his next words. 

_All I have to do is tell them the truth._

_They’ll hate you._

_They won’t._

_Are you willing to take that chance?_

Shinji finally spoke, “I’ve…been having...bad nightmares lately.”

“Are they that bad, Shinji?” asked Misato “To cause all these changes?”

Shinji nodded slowly.

“What have they been about?” asked Asuka.

Shinji looked away, “...The Third Impact happens, at least I think it does, everyone here is killed and...I think I caused it. It’s all fuzzy once I wake up but it still leaves me with these weird feelings”

“Oh Shinji...I’m sorry! I knew you told me about these nightmares before but...what can we do to help?” asked Misato.

Shinji gave her a wide-eyed look of confusion.

“Yeah! What can we do? You can’t let these nasty nightmares get you down!” agreed Asuka along with Rei’s vigorous nodding.

Shinji was at a loss for words, this had never happened before in his old world. He immediately felt sick to his stomach for lying to them but he needed to make his plan before he could tell them. 

“Can...you promise me...that no matter what...you’ll keep living?” asked Shinji.

“I think we can do that! I don’t plan on dying anytime soon! Same goes for everyone!” boasted Asuka.

“This calls for a family hug! As long as you’re okay with that, Shinji. I know with last-”

“I’d love that Misato” smiled Shinji.

Shinji couldn’t help but melt with a warm feeling in his heart as he joined his roommates in a group hug, one that never would’ve happened in a million years in his old timeline. He had a real chance this time, he could feel it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I debated if I should've had Shinji tell them the truth in this chapter, and in a strange way he kinda did he just left out the important stuff, but I feel that him lying to them will lead to some interesting results from his choice.


	7. Remorseful Reunions

“Ow!” yelped Shinji as the string had gotten caught in his hair.

“Sorry!” apologized Misato as she redid the string that way it wouldn’t hurt the young boy again. “All done!”

Shinji looked in the bathroom mirror and the black eyepatch on his left eye gave him a haunting sense of deja vu, he couldn’t help but lightly chuckle at the irony of his new appearance. Misato glanced at him, “Is something funny?”

“A little bit...but it’s nothing...” smiled Shinji.

“I suppose it’s good to find some humor in this,” said Misato trying to smile but failing.

“It’s not your fault,” said Shinji. 

Misato gave him a sideways smile but didn’t say anything. 

“Shinji?” asked Misato.

“Yes?”

“Did...did your aunt and uncle ever strangely touch you?”

“What?! No! Where did that come from?!” yelled Shinji.

“Well…last night, when I tried to...touch you...you reacted pretty...violently! I just thought…” stammered Misato.

“No, they never did anything like that...that’s just...ugh” grimaced Shinji.

“I see! That’s good, I’m sorry if I misunderstood what was happening” 

“No...it’s fine”

“Well, you better get ready for today! You guys have a surprise at the base!” smiled Misato as she went to open the bathroom door.

“It was you…” whispered Shinji suddenly.

“What?” wondered Misato, turning around.

“In one of my dreams, you came onto me...even when I didn’t want to do it. Last night, I was still in that weird dream haze and I just...kinda...freaked out” 

Misato moved away from the door, walked up to Shinji, and held out her hand waiting for Shinji to grasp it which he did as he gazed into Misato’s concerned eyes.

“Shinji...I would _never_ do something like that to you, do you understand? If I did something like that...I would be a failure a guardian and a failure as a mother”

“I understand, Misato. I know you wouldn’t do something like that”

“Good, now get ready!”

.

_I hope that’s true, Misato._

.

Shinji closed the door to his room.

_“Such a tender moment almost brought me to tears,”_ said a certain Angel.

“Here I thought you had decided to leave me alone” muttered Shinji.

_“Ha! I would never leave my favorite Lilin alone all by his lonesome. Your bittersweet interactions are a delight to watch”_ laughed Ireul.

“You’re annoying to deal with, you know that?” said Shinji.

The Angel just laughed again. 

“Shinji! Hurry up! We need to be there on time!” called out Misato.

“Yes, ma’am!” responded Shinji as he quickly got dressed in his normal clothing.

\-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Misato tapped her fingers on the wheel to the rhythm of the pre-Second Impact music as Shinji looked out the window of the car still getting mesmerized by his fairly new surroundings, after a while, Shinji turned his head to the back seat to see Asuka squished up against Rei as they read some shojo manga that most likely belonged to the red-haired girl. Shinji couldn’t tell which was weirder the fact that Asuka and Rei were friends or that Rei was reading something like that, not that he was complaining it was nice to see the two girls getting along. 

“What ya thinking about over there?” asked Misato.

“It’s just...nice to see them being well...nice to each other” answered Shinji.

“You were the one that helped them get to that point but I agree it is nice to see” agreed Misato.

“I was the one that helped them?” wondered Shinji out loud.

“Yeah! Don’t you remember?” said Misato.

“Yeah...I do” lied Shinji.

Shinji wondered where this world’s Shinji had gone, had he become a part of himself? But then why didn’t he have any memories of this world’s Shinji? Or worse, did they swap places? Had he killed this world’s Shinji by crossing over? 

_“Well, now you can say that you’ve killed yourself. You just love adding to your body count don’t you?”_ grinned Iruel.

Shinji felt sick to his stomach, he prayed that wasn’t the case but deep down he knew the answer to his question. He looked at the three women in the car, blissfully unaware that their Shinji was gone, replaced by an abnormality that only looked like their Shinji. He only felt worse as he shied away from telling them the truth even after what Lilith and his Asuka had said to him but he was still that cowardly boy from all those years ago too scared to confront his problems. No, he couldn’t think like that anymore. He was a struggler. He would find a way to fix this, not for his sake but theirs. 

\-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Shinji yawned as he shuffled his feet in boredom, Asuka and Rei doing the same as they waited for Misato to get back with the ‘surprise’ that she had refused to elaborate on. The three children awkwardly stood in the Command Center as the three technicians worked quietly behind them, Shinji looked upon the upper Command deck feeling relieved that his father was nowhere to be seen. It would be rather awkward to try to explain how Shinji knew about his mother’s last words but Shinji was sure that his father had already figured out that he wasn’t his original son.

“The Commander had to go on a business trip along with the Sub-Commander,” said a quiet voice behind Shinji which pulled him out of his thoughts, he turned around to see Maya Ibuki smiling warmly at him.

“I see” muttered Shinji. 

Maya looked at Shinji like she was curious about something.

“Is there something you wanted to ask me?” wondered Shinji.

“Oh! Well, I guess there is…” mumbled Maya. Shinji had forgotten how sheepish the young technician could be.

Shinji closed the gap between and leaned against the computers beside Maya’s chair. “What is it?”

“In the last synch test before things went haywire, I noticed that your synch levels were almost at 170% and that’s a pretty dangerous level to be at especially for someone who hasn’t been piloting for very long and it almost looked like you were setting it yourself” explained Maya. “I know that sounds strange but were you aware of that?”

Shinji was silent as he gave her a confused look. That was certainly new, how was he able to set his own synch levels? The only person that he knew could that was Kaworu but that was because he had been an Angel, his new fusion with Iruel couldn't have affected it as that was before he attacked. Shinji knew he wasn’t completely human anymore, those marks on his hands were proof of that fact but he wasn’t aware of how this was going to affect his synch rates.

“I’m guessing you weren’t based on your quietness,” said Maya.

“Oh...no I wasn’t aware of that, do you think it’ll affect my piloting with Unit 01?” asked Shinji.

“I don’t know, I’m honestly more worried about your ego boundary being off the charts,” said Maya.

“Well, that’s not surprising” whispered Shinji dryly.

“What? I didn’t catch that”

“Nothing, don’t worry about it”

“Are-”

“I’m back! I’ve brought that surprise with me!” called Misato signaling her return. 

Shinji turned his head to face the purple-haired woman and his jaw completely dropped in utter shock. 

.

Asuka yawned loudly as she looked around the Command Center, Shinji was talking to one of the technicians which she couldn't remember the name of and Rei was gazing off into the distance with her usual stoic demeanor.

“So, what do you think the surprise is?” wondered Asuka. 

“Commander Ikari said that it would be the Fourth Child” responded Rei bluntly. 

“You just know everything don’t you, Wondergirl?” teased Asuka playfully.

“Only what the Commander tells me”

“Wait...did you say the Fourth Child? Does he happen to be from Germany?” asked Asuka.

“Yes, he is from the same NERV branch that you were stationed at” replied Rei.

“Then that means…” started Asuka.

“I’m back! I’ve brought that surprise with me!” announced Misato.

Asuka couldn’t help but groan loudly.

\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Shinji felt the blood rush to his cheeks, his mind was swimming and his stomach felt oddly warm. He couldn’t help but stare dumbly at the white-haired boy in front of him with his mystical red-eyes and plain school uniform that only added to his handsome features. 

“Greetings, My name is Kaworu Nagisa” smiled the angelic boy.

Rei gave him a slight nod while Asuka pouted in contempt looking away from Kaworu as he chuckled in response to Asuka’s rudeness. 

“It’s nice to see you again, Asuka” smiled Kaworu.

“Don’t talk to me, idiot” responded Asuka.

Kaworu did as he was told and turned his attention to Rei, “You must be the First Child, correct? Rei Ayanami?”

“Yes” nodded Rei.

Meanwhile, Shinji had been completely lost in his thoughts, not even bothering to follow the conversation. Why was he here at NERV so early? Not that he was complaining but it was strange. Was he still with SEELE? Kaworu’s true allegiance had always confused him but was SEELE going to play their cards early this time? 

_“I see you’re already developing your ‘Kaworu’ complex, are you going to rush to his arms and let him fuck you over and over again?”_ mocked Iruel. 

Shinji didn’t respond. 

“Shinji! Earth to Shinji!” yelled out Misato’s voice.

“Huh?” gasped Shinji as he pulled out of his head.

He heard Kaworu chuckle once again, it sounded so...angelic.

“You must be Shinji Ikari, the Third Child. It’s nice to meet you” smiled Kaworu.

“It...It’s...nice to meet you too!” stammered Shinji awkwardly. 

Maybe Shinji really did have a complex when it came to the being known as Kaworu Nagisa. 

“Would you like to give me a tour of NERV? Major Katsuragi told me that you would love to show me around,” asked Kaworu.

Shinji glanced at Misato who was giving him a thumbs-up of encouragement. “I’d be willing to do that”

“Perfect! I will greatly enjoy spending time with you!” said Kaworu.

Shinji’s heart melted, this was just like last time. Fuck, this wasn’t going to be easy. 

.

Asuka and Rei had decided to go off on their own as Shinji gave Kaworu the tour of the base which left Misato alone in the Command Center with its technicians. 

“Did you see Shinji oggleing Kaworu? It was kinda adorable” laughed Misato.

“I looked more like he had seen a ghost” muttered Hyuga.

“Maybe they knew each other in a past life?” joked Misato.

“Maybe, but it seems strange that the Committee would send their pilot to NERV? Along with the fact that his file is nonexistent” wondered Hyuga.

“Yeah...things are heating up. It just means we have to watch our backs. Ibuki, did you find out from Shinji about his synch rates?” asked Misato.

“He seemed to be unaware of his new synch rates and the idea that he could be setting those rates but he wasn’t surprised by his ego boundary being off the charts” answered Maya.

“I see...so he is lying” muttered Misato.

“Lying? About what?” asked Maya.

“About what’s happening to him, nightmares don’t cause rapid personality changes, in such short notice, nor do they cause rapid synch rate changes. The fact that he seems to recognize Nagsia despite this being their first meeting and that he isn’t surprised by his ego boundary just means that he’s not telling us everything.” 

\-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Shinji leaned against the wall as he waited for Kaworu to return from the bathroom, his mind was racing with countless thoughts the most prominent one being if he should tell the boy what he knows or at least that he knows about Kaworu’s true nature. But if he couldn’t even tell the others the truth then how could he tell Kaworu? Shinji knew that Kaworu was the last person that needed to know the truth, at least the truth about their relationship anyway. Shinji also knew that Kaworu was going to be the only person who would understand what was happening to him with his strange synch rates to the angelic presence inside of him. 

“Shinji? Shinji!” called out a voice.

Shinji blinked and saw Kaworu standing in front of him, a little too closely, while smiling at him.

“You like to daydream, don’t you?” asked Kaworu.

Shinji moved away from the boy and muttered “A little bit…”

“I know you’ve shown me most of the base, but I was wondering if you could show me Unit 01?” said Kaworu.

“You want to see Unit 01?” asked Shinji, confused.

“Yes, does that concern you?”

“No...but why Unit 01?”

“It happens to be the closest one to us” 

“Oh...that makes sense..”

“Do you not want to be around your Eva?”

“Not really” answered Shinji honestly “But if you want to see it, then I don’t mind”

“I don’t mean to make you uncomfortable, I apologize. We don’t have to go” 

“It’s okay, Nagisa” smiled Shinji, “I’ll have to see he-...it again at one point”

“You can call me Kaworu, there’s no need to be formal,” said Kaworu.

“I’ll just stick to Nagsia” answered Shinji dryly as he began to walk to the cages.

.

“Don’t you think it’ll be a little hard to see from where you’re standing?” called out Kaworu.

Shinji was currently hiding out just outside of the entrance of Unit-01’s cage while Kaworu stood in the middle of the walkway in front of the purple armored Unit. Shinji took a deep breath and walked out into the walkway gazing at his old Unit its whitish-yellow eyes seemingly following his every footstep. Shinji stopped in front of Kaworu and turned to look at the Unit in front of him.

“Do you dislike the Evas?” asked Kaworu.

“Yes” answered Shinji.

“Yet you still pilot one”

“I do”

“Why?”

Shinji laughed at the question and thought about what his past self might say.

“For the future, a bright future full of hope” spoke Shinji.

Kaworu hummed in understanding and said, “You are certainly strange, Shinji Ikari”

“So I’ve been told” chuckled Shinji.

Shinji supposed that some things would never change, he was happy that he could still feel relaxed around the white-haired boy although he knew the closer they got the harder it would be to deal with his feelings, so it would be better to just tell him right?

_“Do you want to risk that?”_ asked Iruel echoing in Shinji’s head.

As if it was a sign from the heavens, the lights in the building suddenly went out bathing the two boys in pitch black apart from the light yellowish glow from Unit-01’s eyes.

“Shinji?”

“Yes?”

“The lights have gone out”

“I see”

The two went into silence.

“Should we go back to the Command Center?” asked Kaworu.

Shinji didn’t respond but took a deep breath. It was now or never.

“Nagisa?”

“Yes, Shinji?”

“I have something I want to show you”

“What is it?” wondered Kaworu.

“Do you trust me?” asked Shinji.

“I do”

“Then...follow me”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And boom! Cliffhanger! Will Shinji really say the truth or is it gonna be one of his half-truths? Stay tuned!
> 
> Also I'm hyped for the new Rebuild movie, I'm glad I won't be dead before it comes out.


	8. Let's Dance, Wondergirl!

“I can’t believe this!” yelled Asuka as she violently kicked one of the vending machines, which rattled out a couple of cans of coffee with a loud thud, in the break room of NERV headquarters.

Rei walked over and picked up one of the fallen cans off the ground, opened it, and silently sipped on it as Asuka delved into a ranting mess. Rei learned it was best not to say anything or question Asuka’s reason for going on one of her trademark rants, so she just let it pass and waited for an opportunity.

“I mean...why him?! He should’ve just stayed in Germany, where the idiot belongs! Misato _knows_ how much I just...ugh! His stupid smirk, his stupid hair, and stupid pale, ghostly skin! It all just pisses me off!” ranted Asuka.

Rei decided to ignore that comment about pale skin and asked, “May I ask why you hate him so much?”

“I just listed off the reasons! Weren’t you paying attention?!”

“Yes, but I would like to know the context behind your....current state”

Asuka huffed, picked up a can and nearly drink the whole thing in ten seconds, before she finally said, “We used to date before I got transferred here”

Rei raised her eyebrows slightly in wonderment.

“I know right! Imagine me dating that smug bastard! It just makes me sick thinking about it!” muttered Asuka.

“Then why did you date him in the first place?” asked Rei.

Asuka nearly spit out her coffee and stuttered, “Well!...I...uh...um…D-Did you see how Shinji was oogleing Kaworu?” Asuka laughed nervously as she changed the subject.

Rei decided to let her question go unanswered, “Yes, I did notice that. It seemed like Shinji had known him”

“Yeah, but they hadn’t met before until today. I think Shinji’s just getting weirder”

“Perhaps”

Rei didn’t tell Asuka that she had gotten that same feeling from the white-haired boy like she had known him from somewhere. Like they were the same person...no...they weren’t the same but...similar.

“Do you think that Shinji is attracted to him?” whispered Asuka.

Rei looked at her fellow teammate, who gazed at her with her worried blue eyes.

“No, I don’t think he is. I suppose he was happy to see a pilot of the same gender” answered Rei bluntly.

“Yeah...you’re right. You know, last night...he kissed me” smiled Asuka.

“Ikari did?”

“I know...I didn’t think it was ever going to happen. That idiot can’t pick up hints at all” laughed Asuka “Although I don’t think he was really in his right mind when he kissed me, it was a little forceful”

“Did he hurt you?”

“No! He stopped when I told him to!”

“That’s good”

“Plus...I liked it...but he wants me to wait for him so that’s what I’m going to do!”

Rei didn’t say anything and only nodded her head in acknowledgment.

“Rei?” asked Asuka.

“Yes?” wondered Rei.

“I’m glad we became friends,” smiled Asuka. “It’s just nice to have someone to relax around, I feel like I can say anything to you. I like Hikari and Misato but it’s just not the same.”

“So am I, Asuka. I feel the same towards you” said Rei as she smiled back.

Then, in a strange turn of events, the lights suddenly went out bathing the girls in complete darkness.

“What the hell happened?!” yelled Asuka.

“Perhaps it was one of Dr. Akagi’s failed experiments?” pondered Rei.

\-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Everyone in the Command Center looked in the direction of Dr. Ritsuko Akagi as she walked in right as the power went out.

“I swear it wasn’t me” she quickly muttered. 

“Then what caused it?!” questioned Misato in a clear panic.

“I don’t know! I just got here!” Ritsuko shot back. 

The two quickly got into an argument about what happened to the lights, and why they weren’t coming back on when they should be, and the fact they would have to contact Commander Ikari and inform him of the situation. 

“Umm, our communications have also been knocked out” commented Maya meekly.

“Oh, well that’s just great!” groaned Misato. 

“So we have no way to contact the outside or for the outside to contact us” muttered Hyuga.

“Major, do you think we should find the pilots? In case, something happens?” asked Maya.

As if to answer her question, a loud rumble could be heard somewhere above the Command Center.

“Yeah, I think that’s a good idea” answered Misato.

“Then, I’ll get the Eva's ready. Come on, Maya” said Ritsuko. 

.

Kaji walked down the dimly lit hallway and made his way in the direction of Terminal Dogma, he was going to figure out what the truth was and why both SEELE and Gendo Ikari are so obsessed with Adam and the Human Instrumentality Project. He knew that his answers lay somewhere deep within Terminal Dogma. Kaji rounded the corner to the only elevator that led to the lower depths of Central Dogma but quickly hid back behind the wall when we saw two figures standing in front of the elevator.

“May I ask where we’re going, Shinji?” asked a voice that sounded like Kaworu Nagisa.

“I can’t tell you yet, just trust me okay?” answered another voice that belonged to Shinji Ikari.

Kaworu signed just a bit and said, “I do but this seems a little strange, is some part of Lilin's way that I don’t understand?”

“You’ll figure it out, trust me. Now come on!” urged Shinji as the elevator opened up. 

The two boys go on and the doors closed in front of them taking them down below. Kaji stayed where he was and let his brain try to work out what in the world Shinji was doing and why he was taking Kaworu to Terminal Dogma.

Did Shinji know something about that place? Or was he involved with his father’s plans? Misato had mentioned that Shinji’s personality had taken a strange turn in the past few weeks.

Kaji decided to pull out a cigarette, lit it, and waited for the elevator to reach its destination.

\-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Asuka and Rei walked through the blackened hallways trying desperately to get back to the Command Center.

“I think we may be lost,” said Rei blankly.

“Well, I think we aren't! Just trust me, we’ll get there eventually!” smiled Asuka.

“Yes, eventually...” muttered Rei sarcastically.

Asuka shot her a glare of annoyance. 

“Oh hey! Look, there’s a door! I’m sure we can get in that way!” pointed out Asuka as she pointed to a large metal door, Asuka ran to said door and forcibly opened it to reveal the outside world of Tokyo-3. The streets appeared to be oddly quiet but the large legs of an Angel soon came crashing down on the street that Asuka was looking at which sent into a frenzy to quickly close the door. 

Asuka, out of breath and back against the door, looked at a blank-faced Rei.

“I suppose we better start heading in the right direction?” asked Rei.

“Yeah…”

“We can take a shortcut through the ventilation shaft,” said Rei.

“Then lead the way, Wondergirl!” exclaimed Asuka.

.

“Any word on the whereabouts of the pilots?” asked Misato.

“None so far but I’m sure they’ll pop up soon” answered Hyuga.

“Well, they need to hurry up. Whatever that rumble sounds like it’s getting closer” muttered the Major.

“Can you get your butt out of my face?!” complained a voice that belonged to Asuka. The Command Center’s crew looked up to the air ducts from where the noise came from as another much more subdued voice answered, “Then stop moving so quickly”

“Well, we need to pick up the pace-agghh!” cried out Asuka as one of the grates gave out under the girl’s weight, and landed face-first on the ground while Rei landed neatly beside almost like a ballerina. 

“There you are!” smiled Misato. “Do you know where Shinji and Kaworu are?”

“No idea!” breathed out Asuka as she got up, “But we have more important things to worry about!”

“There’s an Angel and it’s coming here” finished Rei.

“Seriously?! Is now really the time?!” groaned Misato out loud.

“I suppose that Angels weren’t exactly going to wait for us to get our act together,” said Ritsuko as she walked into the Command Center, “It’s good to see you two, your Evas are ready and your plugsuits are in the locker room. Hurry and get changed”

“Yes, ma’am!” said the girls simultaneously and ran off to the locker rooms.

“Should we try to find the boys?” asked Misato.

“No, we should be fine with just those two at the moment,” said Ritsuko.

“If we aren’t?”

“Then we aren’t”

“Are you willing to take that chance, Rits?”

“I’m putting my trust in Asuka and Rei” smiled Ritsuko as she walked to the Evangelion’s cages. “I need to get them ready, I’m sure you can scold Shinji and Kaworu when they get back”

.

_Click!_

_Woosh!_

“You ready?” grinned Asuka.

Rei nodded her head with vigor.

“Then let’s dance, Wondergirl!” 

.

The Evangelion were put into positions below the vertical shaft that the Angel was currently above as it used it’s acid to burn through the metal plating of NERV headquarters. Rei took a deep breath and jumped into the shaft, getting into position to fire from her rifle, Asuka soon followed suit taking up a position to defend Unit-0 from the corrosive acid.

“Agghh!” screamed out Asuka as she felt the acid burn into Unit-2 armor. “Hurry up, Rei!”

Rei grimaced and fired the rifle until the Angel finally collapsed and imploded into a giant mess of red, sticky blood. 

The two girls took deep breaths, in and out repeatedly.

“You did it! Nice job!” cheered Misato.

“Hey! The lights came back on!” commented Maya.

The Command Crew soon went into their usual chatter after a battle.

“Are you hurt, Asuka?” asked Rei.

“Nah, I’m good. You did good” smiled Asuka.

“I’m glad...and so did you”

“Although, I’m gonna beat the shit out of those boys when they come back. Can you believe them? Making us do all the work!”

Rei softly laughed at Asuka's annoyance.

“Come on, let’s get out of these. I need a long shower” muttered Asuka.

“I agree”


	9. Even When He Was Just As Human, As You?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just another reminder that everyone is aged up to 18 in this fic, as the first explicit sex scene happens in this chapter.

Kaworu Nagisa was used to strange things occurring in his short lifespan, as he was quite strange himself being an Angel had made it hard for him to understand Lilin culture and why they reacted so boldly even to the smallest of disturbances. Kaworu wanted to try his best to understand the humans around him, maybe it was the small part of himself that was human trying to reach out? The old men of SEELE had no time for Kaworu’s questioning of what he was as Kaworu was to serve one purpose only and he was expected to fulfill it no matter what he had wanted. Perhaps that was the reason Kaworu had been forced to end things with Asuka, it had been nice to see the Second Child again even after what had happened to them, Kaworu had trouble grasping at the concept of human emotions, but she had made it easier to figure out, and it made him want more for himself, it had taken a lot to convince the old men for him to come to NERV.

Yet, Kaworu could also feel the same strangeness radiating from the Third Child; it felt oddly familiar...it felt the same as Rei Ayanami’s and even his presence. However, in the Third Child’s case, it seemed also subdued like he wanted to hide his presence like he knew exactly what he was. It was intoxicating, it made Kaworu want to know more about this strange boy known as Shinji Ikari. Why had he looked at him with such pained eyes? Why did his presence feel so haunting yet so comforting at the same time? Was Shinji aware of how he was making Kaworu feel? 

“What are you thinking about?” asked Shinji suddenly in the barely lit darkness of the hallway they had walking down.

“You” answered Kaworu truthfully. “You seem familiar to me”

“I do?” wondered Shinji, his voice tightened.

“Is that strange?”

“...No”

“Perhaps it means that we were meant to meet one another” smiled Kaworu.

Shinji didn’t respond to Kaworu’s declaration, instead opting to walk a little faster towards their destination. Kaworu’s smile faded as they continued their walk, while Shinji’s soul may be comforting his heart was one made of steel. It was a heart that knew the loneliness of humankind, and it was that one that had the capability of destroying one’s self from the inside out.

A sliver of light danced across Kaworu’s feet as he walked past a hallway that branched off into another room that seemed to still have its power completely on. He stopped in his tracks while Shinji turned his head so see why Kaworu had stopped.

“Nagisa?” muttered Shinji.

“What’s down there?” asked Kaworu, pointing to the lit-up room. 

Shinji peered down the hallway, his eyes widened slightly, and quickly said, “I’m sure it’s nothing. Let’s keep going, this isn’t what I want to show you.”

“Aren’t you curious?” asked Kaworu as he walked down the hallway, ignoring Shinji’s light protests. 

“No, I’m not” muttered Shinji following Kaworu, “I’m serious, let’s get out of here.”

Kaworu looked into the room, it was completely grey with peeling white paint on the walls some of which formed words on the said walls and, equally grey, floors. There was medical equipment stuffed into every corner of the room along with other piles of left-behind materials, a bed lay in the middle of the room with missing sheets, and a long tube running into the ceiling held together by paper and tape. It reminded Kaworu of his room, well, more of the place that he was created, he walked into the room inspecting random items with curiosity. 

Shinji took a deep breath and entered the room half-heartedly, he didn’t want to be in this place but it seemed only natural for Kaworu to be drawn to this room. Shinji glanced over to the bed and quietly walked over to it, he knelt beside it and ran his hands against the aged mattress. He hadn’t come here until...after she had left him alone in that hellscape.

Kaworu looked over at Shinji who was rubbing the mattress like it was an old friend, he looked older as if the room itself had aged the boy. Shinji’s presence had now retreated further into Shinji’s being, he seemed to be feeling a great deal of pain being in this dull room.

“Are you uncomfortable being in this room? I apologize, I didn’t mean-” started Kaworu.

“It’s fine…” _Say it, it’s now or never. Say it, come on! Just say it!_ “...It’s only natural for you to be drawn to this place” whispered Shinji.

“I’m afraid I don’t understand what you mean,” said Kaworu.

With a deep sigh Shinji stood up and sat on the bed with his hands clasped together, “Humans are not gods, we cannot create from nothing nor can nothing be created for us. Yet, we still tried to reach the power of God that is why Second Impact occurred, as in humanity’s foolishness to reach that unobtainable power, however, mankind does hold the power of the Fruit of Knowledge which has led the Lilin to this point. For a long time, I believed that humanity couldn’t be saved nor did deserve to be saved from our Angelic brethren until...you showed me the truth”

Kaworu’s eyes widened and his heartbeat quickened, _Who-no...What was this boy? How did he know this?_

“The girl known as Rei Ayanami was born in this place created by Gendo Ikari to be the vessel for Lilith while you were created by SEELE to be the vessel for Adam. However, from my understanding, it is only you that is considered an Angel. Am I wrong?” said Shinji, he looked tired as he gazed at Kaworu. “Although she could be considered an Angel but that had been another version, I don’t suppose there are other versions of you? At least ones that resemble a human appearance?”

“I-”

“It’s okay, you don’t have to answer that question. I didn’t actually think I had in me to tell you this so I’m kind of just speaking hoping it makes sense” said Shinji.

“...What are you? How do you know this?” asked Kaworu. 

“I’m like you, a vessel created for the goals of men who strive to become God” smiled Shinji.

Kaworu didn’t answer, his mind was too busy racing with the possibilities on what Shinji knew and didn’t know. 

“I don’t know everything, Nagisa. I don’t know what SEELE’s true plan is nor what my father’s plan for Eva's is but I was hoping that you could help me” pleaded Shinji.

“You...didn’t tell me how you know my true nature,” said Kaworu.

“Because this isn’t the first time I’ve met you” 

“What?”

“I know what you are because I’ve met you before, in a world much like this one”

“If that’s true, then you know what my purpose is. What I was created for”

“I do”

“Then why are you here?”

“I’m here to fulfill my promise to you”

“Your promise?”

“To prevent the destruction of the human race. To stop SEELE and my father from starting Third Impact”

“Why didn’t you stay in your world to do that?”

“I failed to save it, I failed you Nagisa. I failed everyone”

“...Did I?”

“No, you had died before then”

Kaworu didn’t say anything in response to that.

“I don’t expect you to believe me but I still want to show you something,” said Shinji, getting up from the bed and walking to the entrance of the room.

Kaworu moved his body to face Shinji but didn’t walk forward, Kaworu had to admit that he didn’t like what SEELE was doing nor did he completely understand it himself but he still was uncertain about what Shinji was telling him. While Shinji had no reason to lie to Kaworu, something felt off with the things that Shinji was telling him like he wasn’t giving Kaworu the whole picture. 

.

Kaworu walked down the hallway with Shinji until they reached a large pair of doors, Shinji rested his hand on the control panel and looked at Kaworu with unrecognizable emotions running across his eyes. He took a deep breath and opened the door to reveal that lay beyond those doors, Kaworu couldn't hide his surprise when he gazed upon the large, white figure that had pinned to the red cross with the Spear of Longinus.

“Adam…” whispered Kaworu.

“No, that is Lilith” corrected Shinji. “The vessel that I share mind and body with”

_Along with another rather annoying Angel._

“Are you..?”

“I’m not an Angel. I’m still considered a human being but....a part of my humanity has been stripped from me” answered Shinji as he walked past Kaworu and looked up at the harbinger of destruction.

“But you’re like me?” questioned Kaworu.

“Yes”

“How is it possible that Lilith is here?! You’re not telling me everything, Shinji. How do I know I can trust you? You could be working for your father trying to sabotage the old men” accused Kaworu.

Shinji started to laugh, it was a bitter laugh, and finally said, “As I said before, I don’t know everything that’s why I need your help. I can’t tell you everything because I don’t know everything! But I will tell you right now, I’m not in league with _that man_ , nor will I ever be, he betrayed everything as well as everyone and brought the destruction of the world. It’s your choice if you want to trust me or not, I give you my word that I want what’s best for humanity.

“To help Lilin?” whispered Kaworu.

“I know that’s why you’re here, I can feel it. So please, help me Nagisa” pleaded Shinji looking directly into Kaworu’s blood-red eyes.

“Tell me one thing, how did I die?”

“....You had been killed by...me” lied Shinji “You wanted to die as your last choice of free will. I....just did as you wanted”

No wonder Shinji had looked so pained to see Kaworu, to see the boy that he had killed, alive and well must be hard for him to watch. 

“I believe you, Shinji Ikari. I’ll help you, I desire to know more about Lilin culture so I don’t wish for it to perish” smiled Kaworu.

“You will?” Shinji’s face lit up, “You’ll help me? Even after what I..just said to you?”

“I will, I suppose we have our work cut out for us”

“We’ll figure it out. I believe in us” declared Shinji.

_Attention all NERV personnel! Power has been restored, please return to your posts! Att-_

“Time’s up. We’ll continue this conversation but for now, take the time to just...shift through your thoughts. I can’t imagine what must be going through your head right now” said Shinji.

“I was just thinking about you,” said Kaworu bluntly. 

Shinji turned his head, a blush across his face, “Don’t say stupid things like that”

Kaworu laughed, “You sound like Asuka”

“I do not! Whatever, we need to get going, come on!”

.

.

.

Kaji took a long drag of his cigarette, so Shinji does know about his father’s plans. Kaji smiled maybe he had found himself a new ally or someone that he at least needed to keep a watch on. Shinji wasn’t exactly good at lying to people.

.

.

.

“Where the hell were you idiots?!” yelled Asuka while she angrily pointed at Shinji and Kaworu who had now returned to Central Command. 

“We got lost in the power outage, isn’t that right Shinji?” said Kaworu.

“Y-Yeah”

“Idiot Shinji! Shouldn’t you know this place by now?!” huffed Asuka.

“It’s kinda hard to see in the dark! I’d like to see you find your way around in the dark!” defended Shinji.

“I’ll be happy to inform you that I did! Isn’t that right, Rei?” argued Asuka.

Rei didn’t say anything as she only gave Asuka a dead-panned stare.

“See? She agrees with me! Plus you guys missed out on the Angel action, so we girls had to pick up the slack for you! Which wasn’t too bad, it’s always good to put people in their place!” said Asuka smugly.

“Alright! That’s enough! There’s been enough excitement for today, I need to stay a little longer so you guys are going to have to walk home. Nagisa, you’ll need to stay here to figure out your living arrangements” explained Misato.

Kaworu waved Shinji goodbye, which Asuka rolled her eyes to, as the Major’s roommates walked out of the Command Center. 

“Major Katsuragi, I was wondering if I could make a request?” asked Kaworu once the other children left the room.

“Sure, I’m all ears!” smiled Misato.

.

Shinji stopped in his tracks and looked at the two girls who kept walking, that was until Rei noticed that Shinji had stopped moving. 

“Ikari?” asked Rei.

“You guys go on ahead, I need to go do something. I’ll be back home soon”

“You sure?” asked Asuka.

“Yeah” smiled Shinji as he began to walk in the opposite direction. 

.

“What’s his deal?” wondered Asuka.

Rei shrugged in response.

\-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Shinji leaned against the railing that overlooked the city of Tokyo-3, the sun was coming down as Shinji waited for the city to emerge from its underground dwelling. 

“You’ve been quiet today,” said Shinji out loud.

“ _Oh? You’re willing to talk to me, now?”_ asked Iruel.

“Don’t make me regret it” muttered Shinji.

“ _I’m more surprised that you had the balls to tell him, even if you did lie on some of it,”_ said Iruel.

“I’m going to take that as a compliment” 

_“So...do you actually trust him or was that a lie as well? I could feel your uncertainty as you spoke”_

“You should know the answer to that since you can apparently read my mind” 

_“I can’t read everything, Lilin. There are still some parts of you I have yet to uncover”_

“Do you know about...it?” 

_“There’s a lot of ‘its’ in your life, you’ll have to be more specific”_

“Nevermind...to answer your question, I don’t completely trust him”

“ _Really? You don’t trust your old lover?”_

 _“_ We weren’t lovers, it was much more complicated than that”

_“I’ll let you believe that fantasy”_

“But they shouldn’t completely trust me either”

_“Now that is probably the most truthful statement you’ve said today”_

“You know, I wish you would be more helpful to me. I feel like we would make great allies to each other” 

_“Hmph, Don’t you think our agenda’s differed just a bit? Escapilly since I’m killing you slowly”_

“Maybe...but I’ve helped far worse people than you”

“ _Do you really consider me a person?”_

“There is little difference between Angels and Humanity. We are both bearers of the Seeds of Life”

Iruel didn’t answer. Shinji watched as the city finally emerged from the ground and he couldn’t help but smile at the view. 

\-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Shinji stood in the doorframe of the kitchen with a confused and exasperated look on his face as he looked at Kaworu Nagisa sitting at the table picking at Misato’s ‘food’ while Asuka shot the white-haired boy daggers and Rei concreted on one of her books. Misato looked up at Shinji and welcomed him home as Kaworu turned to smile at him warmly.

“What’s he doing here?” asked Shinji pointing at Kaworu.

“Being a smug bastard!” interjected Asuka.

Misato rolled her eyes and responded, “Nagisa’s going to be staying with us! He requested it and I think it’ll be nice to have all the pilots under one roof so you can all bond!”

“But..where’s he gonna sleep?!” questioned Shinji.

“In your room!” smiled Misato, opening a can of beer.

Shinji couldn’t hide his shock as he looked at Kaworu and then back at Misato.

“Is that okay?” asked Kaworu sincerely, “I don’t own very many things so it shouldn’t mix with your belongings”

“N-no, it’s...fine. I just didn’t expect it, that's all” whispered Shinji.

“I hope it’ll be a pleasant experience for you, Shinji,” said Kaworu.

Misato shot Shinji a teasing grin as the boy blushed profusely.

.

.

Shinji laid down on the floor as he stared at the ceiling, night had since fallen leaving the rest of the occupants of the apartment in their respective rooms.

“I should be sleeping on the floor” whispered Kaworu from his upwards position in bed, which had formerly been Shinji’s.

“It’s fine. Just try to get some sleep, it’s been a long day” said Shinji shaking the feeling of deja vu from his head, “We can talk more tomorrow”

“Shinji?” asked Kaworu, seemingly ignoring Shinji’s call for sleep.

“Yes?”

“What was the nature of our...relationship?”

Shinji’s voice caught in his throat but he managed to choke out, “Friends. We were just friends”

“I see. Good night, Shinji”

“Yeah, good night”

\-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

_“Ah! Ah!”_

_The bed slightly creaked under the moving pressure. A phone started to ring on the table beside the bed._

_“Hmpf! AH! G-go a...little slower”_

_“Does...does it hurt, Shinji?” asked Kaworu leaning on top of Shinji as he continued to thrust into the blue-eyed boy._

_“N-No...keep...going” pleaded Shinji as felt the hot pressure of Kaworu’s cock pounding into him._

_Kaworu grunted in response as he continued his thrusts, Shinji’s moans only increased in volume as the two came close to achieving their desired orgasms._

_“Kaworu! Oh! I’m...coming!” choked out Shinji as his cock sputtered out white, hot semen covering his stomach._

_“M-me, too” groaned Kaworu as in one final hard thrust let out his seed into Shinji._

_The phone continued to ring as Kaworu pulled out, making Shinji gasp a little, he grabbed a towel from the floor while Shinji looked to see who was calling._

_“Is it the Major?” asked Kaworu._

_“Yeah…” breathed Shinji as he hung up the phone without answering._

_“Shouldn’t you let her know that you’re okay? Or when you plan to come home?” said Kaworu._

_“Are you kicking me out?” whispered Shinji as tears formed in his eyes._

_“No!” said Kaworu as moved to caress Shinji’s cheek, “But you’ve been in here for over a week, I assumed that it was only natural for her to be worried about you”_

_“She doesn't care about me. Nobody cares about me, except for you Kaworu, only you love me” smiled Shinji as he kissed the white-haired boy._

_“I love you too” whispered Kaworu as deepened their kiss letting his tongue enter Shinji’s waiting mouth._

_“Mmf” moaned Shinji, he let his hands roam down to Kaworu’s cock which was stirring to life once more._

_“Do you want to do it again?”_

_“Yes, please Kaworu. Make love to me…”_

_“Gladly”_

_“Ah!”_

\---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Shinji’s flew open as he caught his breath, there was sweat forming across his body and his pants felt entirely too uncomfortable. Shinji looked under his sheets and lightly groaned at the wet spot that had formed there although, with his rather hard problem, he looked at the sleeping boy beside him, got up, and left the room as quietly as he could.

Once Shinji had left, Kaworu opened his eyes while a frown formed across his face. He had heard Shinji moaning lightly in his sleep and sheepishly cry out his name once he..had come. Why had Shinji lied to him? There had clearly been much more to Shinji’s relationship with the ‘old’ Kaworu, maybe he didn’t want to weird Kaworu out? But he couldn’t shake the feeling that something else was amiss with the things that Shinji was telling him.

.

Shinji quietly groaned as he finally came and after dealing with his problem, he couldn’t help but feel gross and violated as he washed his hands. Shinji walked back into the room, feeling more dejected than when he had left, and looked at the sleeping figure of Kaworu. Shinji desperately wanted to touch the boy, but he knew that he couldn’t do that to him, never again. 

He had told Asuka to wait on him but his feelings towards her were even more complicated, the two people he had loved the most in his life. The people that he still loves with all his heart, Shinji curled into himself, he knew it had been foolish to hope that his lingering feelings would just go away.

This wasn’t going to be easy.


	10. Interference of Others

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A whole bunch of talking like a lot

_“Can you please look at me?” pleaded Shinji as he placed his forehead on the glass window that showed a small white room that served more as a cell._

_The white-haired boy who was occupying the ‘room’ had his back against the window as he faced away from Shinji, “I trusted you, Shinji. You betrayed me” whispered Kaworu._

_“That’s not fair, Kaworu! I-I couldn’t j-just kill you! If anything **you** betrayed me, **you** betrayed my feelings! My love! Y-You promised me that you wouldn’t leave me…” cried out Shinji pushing his body closer to the window._

_“The fate of man is written in sorrow, if you aren’t careful that is the fate that awaits you as well,” said Kaworu. “That is the fate of all Lilin”_

_“I don’t understand,” said Shinji._

_“We betrayed each other, Shinji Ikari. It was set in place for me to cause you pain and to bring destruction to Lilin's world but now...that responsibility has been transferred from me. You hold such horrible sorrow in your heart, I wish I could’ve been the one to take that sorrow away, I wanted to make you happy. But you caused me pain as well, this unknown feeling of love that you showed during those nights was pure bliss yet...it felt torturous” explained Kaworu._

_“Kaworu?”_

_The boy finally turned around to face Shinji with a sad smile and an accepting look in his deep red eyes._

_“Perhaps in another lifetime we can live in peace together but my time has come to an end. Promise me that you’ll save humankind and that...you’ll continue to live. I know you’ll make the right choice even if it isn’t your first choice” smiled Kaworu._

_Shinji could only look at his lover with a dumbfounded look until he heard familiar footsteps behind him, he turned to see the tortured expression of Misato Katsurangi._

_“Misato?” asked Shinji. “Why are you...here?”_

_She didn’t answer. The deadly steel she held in her hand was answer enough._

_“Remember, I love you Shinji Ikari”_

_._

_._

Kaworu yawned as he stretched out in the bed and glanced over to see that Shinji had already gotten up for the day and judging by the noises in the kitchen he was making breakfast. It still seemed odd that Shinji knew so much about the nature of Kaworu's true identity, the Angels and most likely much more but the boy seemed hesitant to talk about everything in his ‘previous’ world or how everything had fallen apart. Kaworu wasn’t going to fault Shinji for being a little hesitant to reveal everything as Kaworu trusted Shinji wasn’t lying to him but at the same time he wasn’t saying the whole truth about their relationship, although that was technically lying wasn’t it? Kaworu grasped his chin in thoughtful reflection; perhaps he could just ask him again once they got a chance to speak again.

“Hey! Smug bastard, it’s time to wake up! Come on!” yelled Asuka from the kitchen.

“You could be a little nicer to him” mumbled Shinji softly.

“No way!” responded Asuka. The Major could be heard giggling at the exchange. 

Kaworu got dressed into his school uniform and walked into the kitchen to see Asuka glaring at him, Rei reading a book while sipping her tea while Misato was drinking one of her adult beverages (Wasn’t it a little early for that?) and Shinji giving him a slight but warm smile.

“Good morning,” said Kaworu, giving Asuka a smirk. 

Asuka scoffed at him and went to sit next to Rei, Shinji glanced at the two but didn’t ask for any explanation instead he said, “Would you like some tea?” 

“I would, thank you Shinji. Would you like some help preparing breakfast?” asked Kaworu.

“It’s fine, it’s almost done” smiled Shinji.

“If you had woken up earlier then you could’ve helped” muttered Asuka.

“Like you helped any” teased Misato.

“Hey! I did...a little” grumbled Asuka.

“You know, there’s no need to be so rude to Kaworu!” said Shinji.

Kaworu chuckled, “It’s quite alright, I’m fairly used to Asuka’s abuse”

Shinji and Misato both gave him a puzzled look.

“She didn’t tell you?”

“Don’t you dare!” started Asuka.

“We used to be a couple” smiled Kaworu calmly.

Misato dropped her beer on the floor while Shinji’s jaw dropped, “WHAT?!”

“It was only for a year!” exclaimed Asuka.

“A year?!” said Misato.

“A year and a half” corrected Kaworu.

“Whatever, smug bastard”

“You really must come up with better insults, I’ve heard that one a million times”

That comment only sent Asuka into a long stream of ranting insults that filled up the rest of time to get ready for school which caused the group of EVA pilots to rush out the door to not be late. 

.

. 

“So, when were you going to tell me about your relationship?” whispered Shinji as he and Kaworu walked a fair distance behind the two girls in front of them.

“I didn’t think it was important plus I thought that she would’ve ranted about me by now” chuckled Kaworu.

“She didn’t,” said Shinji quietly. Kaworu didn’t miss the change in Shinji’s demeanor but he decided not to push it. “What happened?” asked Shinji.

“It...just didn’t work, I guess. I don’t honestly know, Lilin are hard to understand at times” said Kaworu.

“Now that’s an understatement” chuckled Shinji. “But I think Asuka can be a little more of an enigma than others”

“You speak as if you’ve experienced it, are you two perhaps together? It’s okay, I’m glad that she found someone like you!” teased Kaworu.

“No,” said Shinji flatly and didn’t say another word.

Did Kaworu step too far? He grumbled to himself in concern, Shinji could be just as enigmatic as their fiery red-haired companion.

\--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“Woah! Transferred here from Germany?!”

“So like Asuka? But you seem much more level-headed!”

“Are you nervous about this new place? I could always show you around!”

“What’s your favorite food?”

“Are you an EVA pilot?”

“Really?! Awesome!”

A rather large crowd had formed around Kaworu once the lunch period had started with most of the girls, and even some of the guys, swooning over his handsome and mysterious appearance. Shinji couldn’t help but feel a little frustrated as he had limited time in the day where he could actually talk to the boy about forming a plan to defeat SEELE and his father and these idiots were taking up precious time. 

“You seem a little frustrated there, Shinji!” grinned Toji as he leaned back in his seat. “Are ya gettin’ a good look at the new kid?”

“No! I already met him!” growled Shinji letting his frustration leak out. 

“I didn’t mean to touch a nerve man! You okay?” asked Toji.

“I’m fine, I just wanted...to...talk to him” mumbled Shinji as he grabbed his packed lunch.

“I’m sure you’ll get a chance but just take him to dinner first, kay?” laughed Toji.

Shinji's face turned beet red and before he could retort back at Toji’s teasing.

“SHINJI!” yelled out a familiar voice across the classroom which no one else seemed to pay attention to the loud shout apart from Kaworu.

Shinji looked over to see Asuka and Rei standing in the classroom door frame with Asuka looking visibly annoyed while Rei gave him a deadpanned look. Asuka cocked her head and sternly said, “Lunch with us! Come on!”

“I guess I’m going with them” mumbled Shinji, not that he minded.

“Good luck! Don’t make anyone jealous!” waved Toji. Shinji only shot him a half-hearted glare.

Shinji glanced at Kaworu, who was still being bombarded with questions, and mouthed a quick apology as the white-haired boy gave him a look of betrayal as Shinji left the classroom.

“Hurry up, idiot!” smiled Asuka as she led the way to wherever they were going.

.

Shinji breathed in the cool air of an almost cloudy day, there still rays of sunshine escaping the clouds grasp, he sat cross-legged across from Rei and Asuka as they made a semicircle with their open lunches in the middle. 

“It feels nice outside doesn’t it?” asked Asuka to no one in particular.

Rei nodded as she sipped her tea and Shinji agreed as well, “But it’s a little chilly don’t you think?”

“This is nothing compared to Germany, you’d freeze to death if you think this is cold!” laughed Asuka.

“Yet, the sun is still trying to shine” observed Rei plainly. 

Asuka took a moment to look at Rei and started to chuckle loudly.

“What is it? Did I say something strange?” asked Rei with a puzzled look.

“No! No! You just say things so…” started Asuka.

“...matter of factly?” finished Shinji.

“Yeah!” agreed Asuka.

“Is that a bad thing?” wondered Rei.

“Of course not, it’s just how you are” smiled Shinji, “It’s what makes you, well...you”

“I see,” said Rei deep in thought.

“It’s a good thing!” explained Shinji.

“I wouldn’t have it any other way!” agreed Asuka.

Shinji smiled at the two girls in front of him while those lingering feelings of despair and fear tugged in the back of his mind, he couldn’t help but let his thoughts wander as he watched them talk. His fear of them had waned rather quickly even if it sometimes spiked at random times but he couldn’t help but feel sad every time he looked into their eyes, such warm and beautiful eyes they both had, so full of life. The life he had taken away when he failed to save them, he had murdered them both in a way but by that logic, Shinji had murdered millions of people no matter how indirect it was. He couldn’t help but grimace at the idea that he, a mass-murder, was now trying to save the world that he had murdered in the first place, such sad irony.

Asuka soon shot Shinji a scowl in his direction which snapped Shinji out of his thoughts but before he could ask what was wrong.

“Bastard…” mumbled Asuka under her breath.

“Hello to you too,” said the voice of Kaworu, “The teacher requests that you return to class”

“Hmph! He should’ve just gotten Hikari to get us!” said Asuka.

“Well, he asked me so...” Kaworu shot back smugly.

“Then we will go” interjected Rei as she packed up the lunches and prevented a possible argument from happening. 

“Fine! I’ll just meet you guys there!” declared Asuka as she ran off.

“I’ll at least wait for you” smiled Kaworu as Rei finished cleaning up as Shinji helped.

“I apologize for Asuka’s behavior,” said Rei.

“I wouldn’t worry about it,” said Kaworu.

Rei nodded and soon walked back to the classroom, Kaworu glanced over at Shinji as he looked in the distance behind him.

“Shinji?” 

“You know, I never thought that would ever be possible”

Kaworu didn’t respond.

“Having lunch like normal kids...a long time ago that would’ve been a pipe dream”

“But now?”

“Now...I can say it wasn’t. She would’ve wanted to see that”

“She?” asked Kaworu.

Shinji didn’t respond at first and then he whispered very faintly, “My wife...I suppose that’s what you could call it”

Kaworu didn’t know how to respond.

“I could never be with her, Kaworu. I never was and I never will be, I just have to break it to her, and then she can move on” said Shinji “We should be heading back”

Shinji headed for the stairwell as Kaworu slowly followed him.

 _So you did have relations with Asuka but was it in that world? But didn’t you also have relations with me? Just what were you to us?_ wondered Kaworu.

\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Ritsuko Akagi took a long drag from her cigarette as she waited for the canned coffee to come spilling out of one of the various vending machines that lined the NERV break room. Normally she would prefer for her coffee to be hot, with maybe a little bit of alcohol, but today just wasn’t one of those days, as she grabbed her coffee a pair of arms wrapped around her and a familiar, flirty voice spoke.

“You know all that smoking is going to be detrimental to your health and it would be a shame to lose such a beautiful woman,” said Ryoji Kaji.

“Says the chain smoker” laughed Ritsuko.

“You got me there” chuckled Kaji as he waved his hands in the air in defeat.

“I thought Misato made you kick the habit?” questioned Ritsuko as she opened the can.

Kaji scratched his head, “That was a long time ago”

“Nothing recent?”

“No. I think that’s for the best”

“I think so as well. But I never was too keen on paying attention to matters like that”

Kaji chuckled awkwardly.

“Plus it would be best to keep her out of your life at the moment”

“Whatever do you mean by that?”

“I’m not stupid Kaji and neither is he. If you keep putting yourself in danger like this, it’ll be your head”

“Then that is the price I must pay for the truth,” smiled Kaji as he pulled out a cigarette.

“Even if it costs your second chance?” asked Ritsuko. “She still-”

“Don’t!” growled Kaji sternly. “Just don’t”

Ritsuko narrowed her eyes, “I say this as a friend, if you keep going down this path it won’t end well for anybody so I implore you to make the right choice because I won’t be able to help you if shit hits the fan.”

Kaji didn’t respond and let the blonde-haired doctor walk out of the break room.

.

.

Shinji could feel his frustration levels rising as he walked down the empty hallways of NERV HQ, it’s been weeks since he last talked to Kaworu about his true nature and how they were going to defeat his father. Every time he even had a slight moment alone with the boy it’s suddenly dashed away by someone needing something at school and NERV, Kaworu had suggested they talk while taking a bath, after the synch tests, since no one would bother them then but Shinji quickly dismissed the idea, he’s didn’t to bring back unpleasant memories nor for his body to react to seeing Kaworu like that it would just be too much.

He was about to turn into the NERV break room until he heard the voices of Kaji and Ritsuko talking sternly to each other so Shinji decided to wait outside the entranceway and listened to their conversation until Ritsuko left the room but failed to notice the young boy as she did so. Shinji wasn’t so sure if he should trust the doctor but he knew if he could get her against his father then she could become useful to Shinji while Kaji...Kaji was still a mystery, the man’s allegiances had never been very clear to anybody besides maybe Misato, but that had been after his death, and judging from the way Kaji sounded he wasn’t about to involve her in any or form. Shinji smiled slightly to himself, _This could work._

“She’s right,” said Shinji as he stepped into the break room catching Kaji off guard as he spun around to look at the boy.

“Oh hey, kid. You didn’t happen to hear any of that, did you?” asked Kaji.

“I heard all of it” answered Shinji.

Kaji narrowed his eyes but didn’t say anything.

“That’s a first,” said Shinji.

“What?”

“Seeing you so serious, you’re normally pretty care-free even when things are tough” responded Shinji, his voice didn’t sound like his own it sounded much older and much more withered.

“Who are you?”

“I’m Shinji Ikari”

“No, you’re not. You don’t sound like him”

“You’re observant but I’m not lying to you **I** am Shinji Ikari just not the one you knew”

“What happened to other Shinji?”

“I don’t know…” whispered Shinji. “I think some of him is still here after I transferred over but I don’t know”

“Transferred?”

“I’m not from this world, I came over to this one after mine had...ceased to exist”

“Ceased?”

“Third Impact”

“What?”

“You’re making the right call by not involving her” said Shinji avoiding the question.

“What are you talking about?” asked Kaji.

“I’m sure I’ll tell you soon but not now. Just wait for me” said Shinji and then quietly left the room.

 _What the hell was that?!_ thought Kaji. _What the hell is that kid planning?! Misato had mentioned a change in personality but holy shit._

.

Shinji sat on the bench listening to his SDAT player. The girls had left for the apartment after they had finished their synch tests but he had decided to wait for Kaworu to take his shower after deciding not to take one along with the white-haired boy. Soon enough the doors in front of him opened to reveal the smiling face of Kaworu Nagisa, Shinji shook away the sick feeling of deja vu. He’s been doing that more lately. 

“The shower felt nice but it would’ve been better with company,” said Kaworu as he leaned his head slightly to look at Shinji.

“I’m glad but I prefer to take my showers alone,” said Shinji, “I see your personal boundaries haven’t changed”

“It is making you uncomfortable? I’m sorry, I didn’t mean-”

“Don’t apologize” said Shinji as stood up, “I just have to get used to it again”

“But didn’t you say you had a wife? Isn’t that a connection between two Lilin?”

Shinji laughed, “Sometimes, it took a while for us to get to that point and even after that...we just weren’t that way”

“Do you miss her?”

“Kaworu”

“Yes?”

“I don’t want to talk about that anymore”

“I’m sorry”

“It’s okay but now that we finally have a moment alone, we need to come up with a plan for how to defeat SEELE,” said Shinji 

“And how would we do that?” asked Kaworu.

Shinji held his chin in thought and finally said, “Most everyone has gone home right? Let’s go to the MAGI, it might be able to help us”

“MAGI? The supercomputer?” questioned Kaworu.

“Yeah, come one we have a lot to do”

.

Kaji peered from the corner as he watched the two boys talk and eventually leave together, while Kaji did know Shinji knew much more than he let on but the way he was going about revealing information was freaking Kaji out. 

“Good evening!” said a voice behind him that belonged to Maya Ibuki.

“Hey!” said Kaji trying to let it show that the girl was able to sneak upon him.

“How’s Shinji? I just saw him walk past” asked Maya.

“He’s...He’s good, I suppose. It’s a little hard to tell with him sometimes, ya know?”

“I guess you’re right, I’ve kinda been worried about him”

“Yeah…Say! You doing anything tonight?” asked Kaji.

“Umm, I’m...not interested in things...like...like that” muttered Maya meekly.

“I don’t mean in that way, I just need help getting myself settled around here”

“Oh! I can do that!”

“Great, let’s meet at the MAGI system okay?”

_I’m not going to wait for you to come to me._

.

.

Shinji stood in front of the MAGI supercomputer named Balthasar as Kaworu stood beside him.

“So, what’s our plan?” asked Kaworu.

“During my time in isolation, I was able to search through NERV’s records but most of them had been wiped from the database so I was only able to piece together fragments of knowledge but if we can get into the MAGI system then we should be able to fill in those blanks” explained Shinji.

“I see but how do we get in?” wondered Kaworu.

“Actually, I was hoping that you could get us in,” said Shinji.

“How could I do that?”

“With, you know, your angel powers? I don’t know how they work but you could open doors without the lift of a finger” muttered Shinji.

“So you do know my true nature,” said Kaworu.

“What does that mean?! Didn’t you believe me?!” questioned Shinji angrily.

“I did! But I did have my doubts, wouldn’t you?” asked Kaworu.

“Yeah...I suppose I would” muttered Shinji.

“I can try opening it using the console over there but I don’t know if it’ll work,” said Kaworu as he walked over to the console running his fingers across the controls. “Can’t you use your powers as well?”

“It’s not like that, I don’t have powers like you,” said Shinji.

 _“I could use mine,”_ said Iruel, breaking his silence.

 _No way in hell am I letting you near this, who knows what you’ll do,_ thought Shinji bitterly.

 _“Even when you said that you wanted my help?”_ asked Iruel smugly.

Shinji didn’t respond but he did consider the invasive angel’s offer.

“Shinji!” called out Kaworu.

“Yeah? Sorry, I zoned out a bit”

“It’s alright, I was just asking you why you don’t have powers? You said that you were an angel, correct?” asked Kaworu.

“No, not really” answered Shinji.

“But you said that you were like me”

“Yes..but not like that, it’s difficult to put into words or into a concept to understand”

“Try to”

“....I’m a vessel like you and Ayanami”

“Ayanami?”

“Yes, you felt similar to her didn’t you?”

“I did and I felt the same towards you”

“Well, you are the vessel for Adam while Ayanami is the vessel for Lilith” explained Shinji.

“And you?” asked Kaworu.

“I’m the vessel for both”

Kaworu’s eyes widened, “How are you able to survive such strain? Having both the Seeds of Life can’t be healthy for you!”

“Really? I haven’t exactly noticed anything” wondered Shinji, _Yet_ he thought darkly.

“Maybe it doesn’t affect you? But you should be feeling something, even I feel strained at times” thought Kaworu out loud.

Shinji just shrugged in uncertainty.

“That would be an interesting answer to the many questions I have,” said a voice behind Shinji which caused both boys to jump and look to see Kaji and Maya standing behind them, the former had a smug smile on his face while the latter had the most puzzled look in existence.

“Good evening!” smiled Kaworu as he lightly waved at the two adults.

Shinji took a deep breath and muttered, “Fuck” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry, I haven't updated in awhile! Uni took up a lot of my time these past few weeks!


	11. This Isn't What It Looks Like

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alright! So I have a semi-gameplan for this fic now, it's basically going to be split into three parts or sections or whatever. So we're still in the first part which still has a while to go as it's the 'setting up' part, the second part will be the shortest part and is more flashback in nature, and the third and final part will be...whatever it will be lol.

Shinji looked up at Kaji and Maya respectively, he had no idea how to explain why he and Kaworu were messing around near the MAGI system or how much of the conversation they had overheard. So Shinji just looked on dumbly as Kaworu smiled lighty behind him, Kaji lit up a cigarette and asked, “So are you going to talk?”

“What were you two doing here?” asked Maya, stepping up from behind Kaji.

Kaworu glanced over at Shinji as the boy struggled to find the words to explain himself.

“This isn’t what it looks like,” Shinji said dumbly.

Kaji raised his eyebrows, “Really? It looks like to me you’re messing around in places that you shouldn’t be”

“Aren’t you doing the same thing?” shot back Shinji.

Maya and Kaworu looked at them with questioning eyes.

“You’re going to tell me what you’re doing or I’m going to have a long chat with Misato,” said Kaji.

“If you do that then you’ll out yourself as well” muttered Shinji.

“It’s worth the risk” smiled Kaji, not backing down.

“Can someone explain to me what’s happening?” questioned Maya.

_“You can’t get out of this one”_ Iruel laughed.

Shinji took a deep breath, “We were going to search through NERV’s records”

“Why?” asked Kaji. Kaworu gave Shinji a surprised look.

“....To defeat my father and prevent the end of the world” answered Shinji bluntly.

Now it was Kaji and Maya’s turn to be at a loss of words.

“Are you okay with telling them?” asked Kaworu as he walked up to Shinji’s side.

“It’s not like we have much of a choice now” said Shinji.

“When you say the end of the world...do you mean Third Impact?” asked Maya.

“Yes” said Shinji.

“How do you know that?” asked Kaji.

“Because I lived it” said Shinji, “I come from a world where Third Impact wipes out the entire human race”

Maya gasped and covered her mouth with her hands, “That...your ego boundary….”

“Makes sense now, right?” smiled Shinji.

Maya nodded.

“If that’s true, how do we know you’re telling the truth? You said the entire human race, right? So how did you survive?” asked Kaji, folding his arms together. 

Shinji shifted his feet uncomfortably and gazed at Kaji nervously then the bandages that covered his hands, he gulped and started to remove his bandages showing the dark circles that had been imprinted on his hands, Kaworu stiffened as Shinji showed his hands to a very confused Kaji.

“I just happened to be at the right place at the right time” said Shinji, “However, unwilling it was”

“What is that?” asked Kaji.

“The Mark of Lilith” whispered Kaworu.

“Huh?”

“It’s….I don’t really know...but it appeared once I...became one with Lilith” said Shinji.

“It’s the mark of those who were able to make contact with Lilith and survive the process” said Kaworu as he fixed his gaze on Shinji’s hands.

Shinji gave Kaworu a saddened look.

“How do you know that?” asked Kaji.

“Because...he’s an Angel...his synch rates were just like Shinji’s…” mumbled Maya in disbelief as everything started to sink in.

“So the SEELE kid is an Angel as well? I guess that part makes sense. How do we know that it wasn’t you who caused the Third Impact in this supposed world you come from? How do we know that you’re not planning to cause another one?” grilled Kaji.

“I-” stumbled Shinji. He didn’t know what to say.

“Shinji wouldn’t do that! He told me that it was his father and SEELE!” interjected Kaworu.

“How do you know?” asked Kaji.

“Because-” Kaworu’s mouth suddenly stopped as his whole body froze up.

“Kawo-?” whispered Shinji in confusion but soon his own body froze up.

Kaji and Maya both asked in unison, “What just happened?”

“I decided to help out the poor idiot for a second,” said a voice that sounded familiar to them all, then the form of older, time-worn Asuka appeared in front of them. She was wearing a bloodied and torn red plugsuit, a black eyepatch in the same place as Shinji’s, and a long-running scar across her arm.

“Asuka?” asked Kaji.

“The one and only” smiled the older Asuka, she sounded much more subdued and quiet.

“Why do you…?” started Maya.

“There’s a lot to explain and much of it would take a rather long time to go over. The main thing that you need to know is to trust what Shinji is telling you, at least the things he _is_ telling you” said Asuka.

“What are you? What happened to them?” asked Kaji.

“I stopped the flow of time for a brief moment with the help of a friend, don’t worry they’re still alive. As for what I am, I guess you could consider me a ghost or what remains of a broken world” explained Asuka.

“A friend?” asked Maya.

“Nothing that you need to worry about” responded Asuka. “As for right now, I’ll be the one to show the truth but I ask that you be patient with Shinji, he’s been through enough and any more added weight could be detrimental”

“What is this truth? I still don’t understand who or what you are” said Kaji.

“Then allow me to show you” said Asuka as she grabbed both Kaji and Maya’s hands.

A flash of light nearly blinded them as roaring sounds filled their ears and minds. 

This was the truth.

The truth they didn’t even know existed.

It was pure hell.

.

Maya held up her hands to her mouth in utter disgust while Kaji just looked at the older Asuka in quiet shock as she gave them a knowing look.

“Wait for him” said Asuka. “He has a plan but he needs your help even if he doesn’t know it yet”

“What...what exactly is his plan?” asked Maya weakly.

“That I don’t have an answer for that but it’s probably a stupid one knowing him” laughed Asuka. “But just in case he’s taking too long to ask for help then just say one word and he’ll listen to you, okay?”

“What word would that be?” asked Kaji.

“...”

“What does that mean?” asked Kaji again.

“I’ll let him tell you that if he wants but...don’t use it lightly, in fact just use it once and never again” explained Asuka.

“Okay…”

“I’ll let you go back to your conversation, try to be natural about it” smiled Asuka as she disappeared in front of their eyes.

“-He wouldn’t lie to you!” spoke Kaworu coming back with the flow of time.

Shinji looked around, a little dazed, but quickly shook it off.

Kaji took a deep breath as Maya looked straight at Shinji in utter despair.

“Yeah...I suppose you’re right. Look, let’s continue this conversation at another time” said Kaji.

“What?” wondered Kaworu.

Shinji looked at Kaji in understanding, it wasn’t the good kind of understanding. It was the understanding that the boy Kaji looked at was really a broken and deeply disturbed man.

“That’s probably a good idea, let the emotions run their course” said Shinji.

“Shinji? Are you sure?” asked Kaworu.

“Yeah...nothing more that we can do” answered Shinji.

.

.

Maya walked into her lonely apartment as she closed the door behind her, she slowly slipped to the floor. She took in deep breaths and let out a strangled choke of emotion as her head raced with thoughts of what the older Asuka had shown them.

_Was this the fate of her truth?_

.

.

Kaworu walked into the apartment ahead of Shinji as he stood in the doorway and looked back at Kaji, who had taken them back home in a very quiet and awkward car ride.

“You know, don’t you?” asked Shinji.

“Yeah” answered Kaji.

“I’m sorry” whispered Shinji, biting back the regret.

Kaji didn’t respond at first until he said, “Tomorrow morning, you know where”

Shinji nodded and walked into the apartment.

“Everyone else is asleep” said Kaworu in a hushed tone as he came back into the hallway.

Shinji just lazily nodded.

“Are you okay?”

“I’m fine”

“What do you think happened to them? Why did they let us go?” wondered Kaworu.

“I would just chalk it up to divine inference,” said Shinji.

“I thought you didn’t believe in the divine”

“I don’t believe in God but, trust me, the divine does exist. However, if it’s on our side is a different story” mumbled Shinji. 

“Do you think it is on our side?”

“It shouldn’t be”

Before Kaworu could ask any more questions, Shinji walked into their shared bedroom and grumbled about going to sleep. Kaworu soon followed and as he laid down the bed he couldn’t escape the sinking feeling that things weren’t adding up with what Shinji was telling him, the Mark of Lilith has already a red flag to him and not to mention the strange gap in Kaji and Maya’s behavior, perhaps he could talk to Asuka about it in the morning.

.

Kaji stood outside the apartment building as he let everything sink in as the truth of Shinji’s past life weighed on his shoulders. He wanted to tell Misato about everything that had been shown to him and just fix things for the poor kid themselves but he knew that Shinji wouldn’t accept that, whatever his plan was somebody is going to come out of it burned. 

.

Shinji has since gotten ready and left the apartment by the time the rest of the residents had even begun to wake up. Kaworu sat at the table with a cup of coffee as he girls around got ready hastily besides Rei who was also sitting at the table reading one of her books. Kaworu couldn't help but observe the blue-haired girl’s appearance and wondered if there was any part of her that knew about her true nature, Shinji hadn’t really talked about Rei’s fate within Third Impact in fact he hadn’t talked about anyone else’s fate beside his own untimely demise at the hands of the blue-eyed boy.

“Hey, idiot! Stop staring and get ready to go!” snapped Asuka shooting him a glare.

Kaworu snapped out of his thoughts and got ready to leave along with his fellow pilots.

“Good luck on the synch tests!” called out Misato from the bathroom, “I’ll meet you there!”

“Okay!” called back Asuka as they left the apartment.

“Shinji left rather early, don’t you think?” wondered Kaworu.

“He has a habit of doing that lately” answered Rei.

“He didn’t before?” asked Kaworu.

“Ikari has...changed these past few weeks. It has been strange” said Rei bluntly.

“That’s quite interesting, how was he before?” said Kaworu.

“I don’t see how that’s any of your business!” interjected Asuka.

“I was just wondering what caused such a change in behavior” smiled Kaworu.

“It doesn't matter, people change all the time! You out of all people should know that!” scoffed Asuka.

“He was having some nightmares but that is all we know” answered Rei.

“Rei! You shouldn’t be telling him that!” said Asuka.

“Why? He is our fellow pilot and our housemate, it’s only fair for him to know what’s going on with Ikari” wondered Rei.

“He may not want him to know everything!” 

Kaworu couldn’t help but chuckle at the irony of that statement.

“What are you smiling about, bastard?!”

Kaworu shrugged his shoulders and just smiled.

“God, you’re so annoying!” huffed Asuka in frustration.

.

.

Shinji stood on the pathway of dirt that ran past a small patch of watermelons that the towering triangle of NERV HQ overshadowed. He never did take care of those watermelons like he was supposed to, were they capable of taking care of themselves? Shinji doubted it but he was never very good at taking care of things in the first place.

“You’re here” said a voice behind Shinji.

“So are you” answered Shinji as he turned around to Kaji who handed him a canned coffee.

“Do you still drink coffee?” asked Kaji.

“Yeah”

“What happened to her?” said Kaji, not looking at Shinji. “She looked pretty beat up”

“I failed her”

“You failed a lot of people”

“I know” said Shinji.

“But so have I and from the look of it, I failed quite a bit”

Shinji didn’t respond.

“Do you hate any of them? If I had been you, I don’t know what I would've done” asked Kaji.

“No, I don’t. I came back so I could help them, if I hated them then I wouldn't be here” stated Shinji.

Kaji laughed a bit, “I suppose that makes sense”

“...”

“So what’s the plan?” asked Kaji, “She mentioned something about it”

Shinji took a deep breath, “The plan is to eliminate Gendo Ikari and the organization known as SEELE”

“You want to kill your father?” asked Kaji, a little shocked.

“I watched him die right before my eyes, I can watch it again” answered Shinji.

“Well then, how are we supposed to do that?”

“There’s a lot to do, taking out the Dummy System should be the first thing we do but we’ll need Ritsuko’s help with that but now that Maya knows, maybe she can help us with that?” wondered Shinji.

“Maybe”

“What else?”

“I...don’t really know, most of what happened is a blur to me and I wasn’t present for most of the events that occurred” said Shinji.

Kaji raised an eyebrow.

“I wasn’t present mentally” glanced Shinji.

“Well, I can definitely do some more digging on what we need to do” said Kaji. “But we have our first step which is better than nothing”

“There’s also Rei and Kaworu” muttered Shinji, “I want to trust them...”

“But you don’t know where their allegiances may fall” finished Kaji.

“Willingly or unwillingly” added Shinji.

“We definitely need to talk to Maya about this, I think she’ll be a pretty good asset”

“Yeah” agreed Shinji.

“I know you’ve involved Kaworu in some way but are you going to tell the others?” asked Kaji.

“N-I...I don’t know” answered Shinji.

“Then we’ll cross that bridge when we get there” said Kaji.

Shinji nodded and took a sip from his coffee.

“...”

“...”

“Kiko was a nice choice” smiled Kaji looking at Shinji.

Shinji’s eye widened, he dropped his coffee and quickly jumped up from the seat like it had burned him.

“How?!” growled Shinji, “How do you know that name?!”

“She told me...I’m so sorry Shinji” whispered Kaji.

“You don’t get to say that name...no that _word_. I don’t care if she gave you permission, I don’t want to hear it again” grumbled Shinji.

Kaji didn’t say anything.

“I don’t deserve your sympathy, what happened in the past needs to stay there. I only care about the future and that _thing_ isn’t a part of that” said Shinji sternly.

Then a loud alarm blared throughout headquarters.

_**WARNING! ANGEL INCOMING! ALL PILOTS REPORT TO HQ! WARNING!** _

.

.

.

Kaworu stretched out his muscles as he let the hot water clean his body and hair, the synch tests had gone pretty well but they always would as for him synching with any kind of Eva was going to be easy for him. Although he was little surprised that they had instead assigned him to co-pilot with Unit 01 instead of Unit 02, the unit he had trained with for many years but it was an order from the Commander himself so Kaworu couldn't really do anything about it, Maya had noticeably been absent from the test along with Shinji and that fact just didn’t sit right with him.

“Are you sure he will be able to see me?” asked a voice from behind the shower curtain, Kaworu turned his head to see if anyone was behind him but there was no shadow to indicate another person. Perhaps his mind was playing tricks on him?

“Of course! If they can see me then they can see you!” declared another voice that sounded exactly like Asuka. What was she doing here? Who was she talking to?

“Do you think I have a right to see him? I mean it’s been so long” said the other voice, it was definitely a male’s voice it sounded vaguely like Shinji’s but it sounded much raspier like he had damaged his vocal cords.

Kaworu didn’t wait to hear the one that sounded like Asuka's response and turned off the water as he then quickly opened the shower curtain to show an older man facing his head away from Kaworu, looking at nothing, but he slowly turned it to face the white-haired boy. He had deep blue eyes with small scars littering his face, he looked exactly like Shinji but just with longer hair and the signs of age wrinkling his face as he smiled warmly but the torn white clothes caked in dried blood told a much more violent history.

“It’s been a long time, Kaworu Nagisa” said the man, his voice sounding raspier than before.

“Who are you?” asked Kaworu, not caring that he stood in the nude before the strange man.

“I’m many things but I suppose you call me a ghost” answered the man, “I see you still don’t mind showing off your body to others”

“That’s not really my concern right now,” said Kaworu. 

The man laughed lightly.

“Are you dead?” questioned Kaworu.

“A part of me is”

“Then who are you?”

“....You can call me....let’s see...I don’t really know of a name I could go by” wondered the man.

“How am I supposed to talk to a nameless man?”

“Like you are now”

Kaworu glared at him.

“Nagisa, I want you to trust in Shinji whatever may happen in the next couple of weeks. He is here to help you even if it’s in his own strange way” said the man sternly.

“Why should I trust what you’re saying to me?” asked Kaworu.

“That’s up to you”

“Do you know me?”

“...In a past life”

“How do you know of Shinji?”

“I was there when he died”

“He...died?”

“Yes, he did. It was a painful death. So was yours and the others”

“Others?”

“Everyone that Shinji ever knew died right before his eyes”

Kaworu gasped. _That’s why he’s so hesitant_

“Who were you to Shinji?”

“I was his worst enemy”

“Enemy?”

“Yes, this is my punishment being trapped in this form but it is one I accept,” said the man “I will do anything to help him and so must you”

“What did you do?”

“Everything”

_**WARNING! ANGEL INCOMING! ALL PILOTS REPORT TO HQ! WARNING!** _

“I guess it’s time to go” smiled the man.

“Should I tell Shinji about you?” asked Kaworu.

“No, it’s for the best that he doesn’t know about me” answered the man. “Go, they need you”

Kaworu nodded as he grabbed a towel and made his way to the locker rooms.

“Nagisa”

Kaworu stopped and looked at the man.

“Heed my warning, trust in Shinji. The next events that occur in your life won't be easy nor will they be slow to come” warned the man.

With his warning complete, the man promptly disappeared in the steam of the shower room leaving Kaworu alone with the blaring alarm above. 


	12. Incident Report #0103

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> trigger warning-mild gore, sexual content, and slight torture

“What were you thinking, Ikari?!”

“You should’ve let Eva acquire an S2 Engine! Do you realize what this does to our plans?!”

“Haven't you installed the Dummy Plug System yet?!”

“Quiet”

The angered voices of the robotic voices stopped with that one command as the man standing in the middle of the black room glared into the black rectangle known as SEELE 01 or the vicious robotic man named Keel Lorenz.

“We will not tolerate insubordination Ikari. Your son clearly has knowledge that is beyond his understanding and that cannot be allowed, what happened during the Angel attack is nothing short of disastrous. However, I do not wish to see him eliminated as he could be important to further our goals, I want you to bring him forward to the council so we may have a civilized conversation with the boy” said Keel.

“I do not find that necessary, the boy is clearly unstable and is halting the Human Instrumentality Project’s progression,” said Gendo, “I say let him be eliminated and let the pilot of Unit 00 take over for Unit 01”

“No, I want him to be brought before us and you will do as commanded. You are on thin ice so I suggest you do as you’re told” warned Keel.

“It will be done” answered Gendo flatly as he left the room.

“Call in Tabris. I want him to be present for our meeting”

.

.

Maya walked through the hallway slightly dazed from the event that took place yesterday, was this a part of Shinji’s plan? Going berserk like that? Wasn’t Kaworu his...well Maya didn’t really know what to call it but still, it was gut-wrenching to see what Shinji had done to the poor boy. She doubted that Kaworu would still be allied with them after that but what had caused Shinji to go crazy like that? Maya had theories but only Shinji could be the one to tell them the cause. 

A hand that grabbed her shoulder shook Maya out of her thoughts and she turned around to see the face of Kaji with a slight smile.

“What were you thinkin’ about?” he asked.

Maya looked down at the ground and mumbled, “About yesterday and other things...”

“Yeah...I have a feeling this wasn’t a part of the plan” said Kaji with a light laugh.

“I don’t think it was either but I don’t even know what the plan is” 

“When I talked to Shinji, he said that we needed to destroy the Dummy Plug System and he wanted you to help him with that” said Kaji as Maya winced slightly at the mention of the cursed system. 

“That’s more of Ritsuko’s department,” said Maya.

“He had mentioned that but I don’t think he trusts Risuko and neither do I”

Maya stayed quiet for a moment; she felt hurt at the distrust towards her mentor but at the same time she understood where it was coming from.

“Maybe I can get her on our side” suggested Maya.

“I don’t think that’s a good idea” 

“Kaji, I don’t have the understanding of the Dummy Plug like Ritsuko does all I know how to do is turn it on and off so I don’t think we have any other choice”

Kaji thought to himself for a moment but Maya quickly added, “I know how to get her on our side”

“How?” 

“I’ll figure it out”

.

.

Gendo glared down at the sleeping form of his son or the being that looked like his son, currently locked into the hospital bed with thick leather bounds, as the doctor on the other side of the hospital bed injected a stimulant into the boy’s arm. The doctor quickly left after wanting to flee the thick tension in the air and grab the waiting wheelchair for his mentally unstable and violent patient. 

Shinji groaned quietly as he slowly came back to the waking world and hazily gazed back at his father but the thing that started to unnerve Gendo was when the boy started to silently laugh and the back of his eyepatch started to lightly glow in a mysterious blue hue.

“Man, this kid is messed up!” laughed Shinji, the voice sounded like him but clearly didn’t belong to him. “...but….now….I understand”

Gendo raised an eyebrow in confusion.

Shinji attempted to lunge as his father but the bounds kept him from going anywhere, “You’re going to pay a heavy price for what you’ve done to my kind and his, you and this ‘SEELE’ that you so dearly despise”

“What are you?” asked Gendo.

“That doesn’t matter, the end is coming for you” laughed the boy once again as he coughed up blood that sprinkled his white hospital gown.

“Whatever it is you’re planning, I won’t let you get in my way. My plan will succeed whether you want it to or not. I’m not afraid to eliminate my opposition if need be” answered Gendo cooly.

“I don't think your son is either” smiled the being with Shinji’s face.

“We’ll just have to see then, the council wants to see you,” said Gendo.

The doctor soon came back with a wheelchair along with its own steel bounds.

“It’s time to go”

.

.

Kaworu sat on the bench in the breakroom with an unopened coffee in his hands as he gazed intently at the bandages on his right arm, what had gotten into Shinji? Why had he said those things to him? Had the Kaworu of his past done something cruel to him? Kaworu didn’t understand what was happening at all and now the old men wanted to see him which only added to his stress as he hadn’t talked to them since he had started talking to Shinji, but they hadn’t exactly called for him either.

Another body joined him on the bench with its feminine fingers wiggling to grab his left hand it pressed into his side in a clear attempt to comfort him.

“I thought you still hated me” grunted Kaworu, his voice sounding rough.

“...We may have left on bad terms but I don’t hate you,” said Asuka.

“Could’ve fooled me” spat Kaworu.

Asuka didn’t respond, she knew he was right.

“Sorry...I’m...just…” started Kaworu.

Asuka turned to look into his blood-red eyes, “I know and I’m sorry too. It just hurt to see you that’s all”

“I didn’t want to break-up with you but things were just getting complicated with the council and I couldn’t drag you into it” explained Kaworu.

“I see things are still complicated” laughed Asuka, trying to ease the atmosphere.

Kaworu just looked away from her, “Do you think he hates me?”

“...No, I don’t think he does”

“Then why did he hurt me?”

“I don’t know, he’s been acting strangely before you even came here”

“Do you know why?”

“He said it was nightmares”

“Do you believe that?”

“No...not entirely. I’m worried about him, Kaworu”

“I am as well”

“I think...I love him…”

“He mentioned that to me, and I’m happy for you Asuka”

“But...I don’t he wants to love me back...and....there’s a part of me that still loves you”

Kaworu glanced at her and back down at her hand he squeezed it tightly and so did she.

.

.

Kaji took a deep breath of his cigarette as he took a break from taking care of the growing watermelons surrounding him, Kaji didn’t really know what had caused him to get so invested in plants or just nature itself he supposed it was one of the few things in his life that he didn’t fuck up. 

“Kaji” said a voice behind him.

He looked behind his seated position and smiled, “Hey, Katsuragi”

Misato took a seat next to Kaji, with a visible distance between them, and with her hand outstretched, “You have another?”

“Are you smoking now?” asked Kaji.

“I...I just need something to relieve the stress, come on it’s just this once” grumbled Misato.

Kaji pondered for a moment and then put out his own cigarette, “That’s what I said too, you know”

Misato gave him a weird look, “Just give it to me, it won’t kill me”

Kaji glared at the ground, “No, I don’t want you to end up like me”

“Like what? It’s just a cigarette, Kaji” 

“It’s not”

“What’s gotten into you?”

“Do you remember the first time we met?” asked Kaji, ignoring her question.

“Unfortunately” 

“I can still smell the ocean, did you know that was the first and last time I ever went to a beach like that?”

“You’ve been to the beach plenty of times after that!”

“But that beach was special...it held the most beautiful sight in the world”, Kaji looked at Misato as he spoke his cryptic words.

“Kaji, you’re freaking me out”

Kaji laughed as he got up from the ground, “Don’t ever change, Misato”

Misato glanced up at him with a worried look, he hadn’t called her by her first name ever in her life even when they had been dating.

“Trust in the kid, he knows more than he lets on. He’s struggling and he’s going to need you now more than ever”

“I know he’s been having nightmares and I know it’s much, much more than what he’s telling me. I’m scared for his sanity!”

“You’re just going to have to wait on him. He’ll tell you when he wants to”

“Does it have to involve with what happened yesterday? Kaji, if you know something important-!”

“I’m not the man who needs to tell you that”

“Then who is?”

“Shinji”

“He’s still a kid and a kid who doesn’t always tell the truth, like I said this is much more than nightmares but he’s not talking to me about it”

“He will...but no matter what happens just...trust him, okay?”

“...Okay”

“I have to go but I’ll see you again, Katsuragi. I promise”

“Kaji...I…”

Kaji gave her a wink and simply said, “I know”

.

.

Shinji felt his groggy mind slowly wake up as he lazily looked around his settings, he sitting in a wheelchair tied tightly to the metal frame with a single beam of light shining down on him in the otherwise pitch-black room with strange hulking rectangles with the words ‘SEELE ONLY’ written in blood-red.

“ _Lilin, are you awake? Do you know where you are?”_ asked Iruel, his tone sounded almost concerned.

Shinji knew exactly where he was, it was the place that had haunted him for years after Third Impact.

“Shinji Ikari, are you with us?” asked one of the rectangles.

Shinji couldn’t help but chuckle at the position that he found himself in where he was before the very council that he worked for during his time as a pilot, even if he didn’t know it, and the very same people he helped destroy the world with even if it hadn’t been the way that SEELE had intended.

“Is there something funny?” asked another voice.

“You wouldn’t get it” laughed Shinji, “Your head’s too full with false prophecies and orange soup”

“What was that you brat?!” yelled the voice.

“See? You’re just too old to get it” grinned Shinji.

“Why you-!”

“Silence,” said Keel as the other voice went quiet, “What do you know of prophecies?”

 _“Don’t say anything, it could be used against you!”_ warned Iruel but Shinji had stopped caring if words could be used against him.

“It’s a bunch of bullshit! There are no Dead Sea Scrolls that predict the future, there is no God to obtain, the Angels want you as dead as much as I do and the Third Impact won’t go as you planned nor is it humanity’s ‘great unity’. It’s hell to listen to every single voice in the world yell at you for causing Third Impact” growled Shinji.

“...Where are you from? You are clearly not the Shinji Ikari of this plane” questioned Keel.

“I’m from hell, you bastard” spat Shinji.

“Did Third Impact occur in your place of origin?” asked Keel.

“What do you think?” said Shinji.

“Is that why you refused to acquire the S2 Engine or why you nearly killed Kaworu Nagisa?”

“I’m not telling you that”

“Hmm...don’t you want to make this conversation easier on yourself? I just ask for the truth and nothing else” said Keel.

“You ask for the death of humanity, I’ll never tell you the truth!” yelled Shinji.

“I see...then you’ve forced my hand” said Keel grimly.

The entrance to the room opened and then closed once again with heavy footsteps filling the room as a rather large man in a dark suit and sunglasses approached Shinji with a thick needle in his hands, Shinji’s eyes widened as he gazed upon the needle in it’s threatening glory.

“I didn’t want to do this, child,” said Keel grimly.

“What are you doing?” asked Shinji dumbly as the man grabbed his arm and thrust the needle into his skin injecting whatever liquid was in it into his system. Shinji screamed out in pain once the needle had been removed, his body felt like it was on fire and his blood felt bubbly with heat and pain.

“You will tell us the truth, don’t make this any worse than it has to be” said Keel.

Shinji groaned in pain as his brain turned to mush from the overwhelming sensations that his body was feeling, “I...I….won...won’t”

“Make him talk” said Keel.

The man moved in front of the boy and drove his fist straight into his stomach with force that only added to the painful fire in Shinji’s body.

“AHHH!” screamed out Shinji once again.

“That should loosen your lips, let the serum-free you from this pain. All you have to do is talk” said Keel in a condescending tone.

“....what...did...you…” groaned Shinji.

“It was a truth serum, although it causes extreme pain until the patient is forced to talk” 

Shinji laughed painfully, “Y-You c-call this….painful….don’t...don’t...make me….laugh”

“Do you want this to get worse?”

“...n-no….st-stop” mumbled Shinji slowly as the serum was clearly beginning to work its magic.

“Then all you have to do is speak”

Shinji shook his head from side to side violently and started to bite into his lip, drawing blood, in an attempt to prevent himself from talking. Kaworu peered from around one of the rectangles suppressing the urge to run over to Shinji and stop his pain, but he knew if he disobeyed the old men it would just make it worse so he was forced to stand by and watch as his friend suffered.

Shinji painfully breathed in and out, “Tab...ta...don’t...sorry…”

“What is it? Are you ready to tell us something?”

“Don’t hurt...me….anymore….Tabris….” whined Shinji as he then screamed out in frustration and bit into his lip harder than before.

Kaworu looked at him in shock, what was he talking about? He hadn’t hurt Shinji, had he? If anything it had been the latter who had hurt him. Unless, he was referring to his previous Kaworu?

“Is that why you attacked him? Were you afraid that Tabris was going to hurt you? How do you know about his identity?” asked Keel.

Shinji mumbled something.

“What?”

“I”LL KILL YOU!” roared Shinji as he coughed up blood and breathed erratically. “I’ll...kill...you…”

“This is going nowhere” grumbled a voice.

Shinji breathed out heavily repeating his words, “...kill...you….bastards….kill”

“Call in Dr. Akagi. We’ll try again once he recovers” said Keel.

.

.

.

Ritsuko bristly walked down the hallway towards the dreaded room, the house of those absolutely evil men and their foreboding rectangles, she hated going in there but she had to for business and for....him as well, since when did she become his errand girl? Well, that didn’t matter as long as he stayed with her then that was all she needed for now even if she knew deep down that this relationship would crumble once he got his precious Yui back.

“Dr. Akagi” said a meek voice behind her that belonged to her assistant Maya Ibuki.

Ritsuko turned around and gave her a quick smile, “Good evening Lt. Ibuki, I don’t mean to be rude but I have to run and do something.”

“Is it about Shinji?” asked Maya.

Ritsuko looked away for a moment, “Yes..it is”

“Then I want to come with you”

“I’m sorry but only authorized individuals can handle Shinji at the moment”

“Let me rephrase it, I need to come with you,” said Maya with an oddly serious tone in her voice and look in her eyes.

“Why?”

“Because it’s important, both of us need to tell you something”

“That’s going to have to wait, I don’t know what….condition Shinji is going to be in when I reach him”

“All the more reason I need to come with you”

“Maya, I said only individuals who are authorized can be around him”

“Then I should be at the top of that list” said Maya strongly, “I’m the one who’s in just as much contact as you with the EVA pilots, I have a right to know what’s happening to them!”

“That may be true but-”

“I’m going with you, Ritsuko”

Ritsuko gave Maya a shocked look, Maya had never referred to her on a first-name basis even during non-work hours.

“I know...about everything. I know about the Human Instrumentality Project and what that truly entails, I know what the EVAs truly are and the people who are in them, I know about the Commander’s plans and I have a hunch on way Shinji went crazy like he did and I know about...about….you and the Commander’s…..relations” explained Maya.

Ritsuko blinked slowly while suppressing the urge to reach for a cigarette, she gulped slowly, “Fine, just...just stay out of view”

Maya bowed her head slightly, “Thank you, Dr. Akagi” 

The two women reached the massive door frame with Ritsuko in the middle and Maya off to the side, Ritsuko brought a finger to her lips as a signal to be quiet as Maya nodded in acknowledgement. The door opened to the darkroom with a single light shining down on the possible deranged boy strapped to the wheelchair, breathing heavily, and a man in a dark suit standing over him, she also couldn’t help but notice a small tuft of white hair sticking out from one of giant steel rectangles.

“You’re late, Dr. Akagi,” said Keel.

“I do apologize, I had some matters that I needed to take care of on my way here. I will collect the pilot now” said Ritsuko in a forced friendly tone.

“Please do so, although I want a follow up with him in the next few weeks depending on his health of course” said Keel.

“I will make sure it happens,” said Ritsuko as she quickly grabbed the arms of the wheelchair and wheeled out the boy leaving the room in pitch blackness once again. 

“So what do you think, Tabris?” asked Keel.

“I...don’t know” mumbled Kaworu. “I think things are still up in the air for what caused Shi-...Ikari to lash out like that”

“Talk to him more, see if you can get anything out of him. The truth serum lasts for many days so see if he reveals anything to you and if he does then report it immediately” ordered Keel.

Kaworu paused, “Yes...I will”

.

.

“Is...Is he going to be okay?” asked Maya with worried features etched into her face.

“I don’t know, I warned you about his condition,” answered Ritsuko with an equal amount of worry in her tired eyes.

Shinji was currently strapped tightly into his wheelchair with leather and metal straps so he had no way to escape, his breathing was labored along with the blood that lightly sprinkled his hospital gown and his entire body was hunched over with his glazed and unfocused eyes looking at the floor. 

“Here, let’s get him untied. We don’t need Misato seeing him like this” as Ritsuko pushed him into a hallway that to the side forgotten by most who walked by it, Maya began to untie the straps.

“I….god….why….?” mumbled Shinji absently.

“Shinji?” whispered Maya, he didn’t look up from the floor.

“....I killed….them….why….did I do that?” asked Shinji hauntingly.

Maya gave Shinji a pained look while Ritsuko gave her assistant a concerned glance.

“I’m so fucked up” whispered Shinji, “It’s all my fault”

“It wasn’t, you didn’t know,” said Maya.

Shinji didn’t seem to register what Maya was saying, “I killed Toji and Misato and my father and...and Asuka! I didn’t kill Kaworu like he wanted! I should’ve just died with him! Then no one would have suffered! Kaworu was right about me! I never deserved to be loved! I….I let Ayanami and Kaworu do those...things to me!”

“Maya, what’s-” 

Shinji’s rant wasn’t over as he started to laugh uncontrollably, “I was stupid to think I could fix things! It hurts to look at them! Everytime I look at them I just want to choke the fucking life out of them! I’m a monster! They turned me into a monster! How could the man who destroyed the world ever fix things?! I was...I was starting to think I could really be that carefree child once again….she was wrong about me…..so wrong…...I killed our happiness….”

Maya took a deep breath, grabbed Shinji’s bandaged hands, and leaned her head in a way that she could look into the boy’s deep blue eye, “You can fix things, Shinji. I _know_ you can but you need to believe in yourself and the people around you. We aren’t the same people who hurt you in _that_ place, I know they won’t hate you for what happened because I don’t hate you. I never could hate you for things out of your control”

Shinji’s lip trembled, “But...I….I killed….her….Kiko...fuck…”. His eye began to tear up and he let the pain streak down his face, the damaged eye brought its own bloody wetness to his face.

Maya stayed silent for a long time as did Ritsuko, mainly from the confused shocked state she found herself in, as Shinji weakly and pathetically cried out. Maya finally decided to move her arms around the boy in a tight hug which got her a pained whine.

“I think….you would’ve made a great father, Shinji” whispered Maya. Ritsuko’s eyes widened even further.

Shinji’s body shook violently as his cries got louder.

“I’m so sorry. I’m so so sorry, Shinji…”

.

.

Misato could barely hold back her gasp as she looked at Shinji in his wheelchair, his condition looked even worse than before and she couldn’t help but notice the redness around his eye, the strap marks on his arms, and his dirty, disheveled hair.

“I’m sorry, I should’ve warned you,” said Ritsuko, her voice sounded distant. Maya noticeably didn’t smile or say anything as she looked at Shinji with concern.

“No...it’s fine,” said Misato. “I’ll just...go ahead and take over”

“Is Kaworu still at your place?” asked Ritsuko.

“He and Asuka are out and about until I give them the go-ahead to come back” explained Ritsuko.

“I see”

“Should I tell him to stay with someone else?”

“No, I don’t think Shinji is going to do anything.”

Misato nodded.

“Misato….Do you ever regret working for NERV?” 

“...At times. Why?” wondered Misato confused by such a sudden question.

Ritsuko lightly shook her head and said, “Nevermind”

Once Misato had wheeled Shinji out of the hospital and was out of earshot, Ritsuko turned around to look at Maya, “You have a lot of explaining to do”.

.

.

Rei stood up from her seat in the living room as she walked over to the ringing phone on the other side of the apartment.

“Hello?” asked Rei.

“Rei? Hey…” it was the voice of Major Katsuragi, she sounded stressed, “Can you get the bath ready? I have Shinji with me and he’s going to need one”

“How is Ikari?”

“...”

“...”

“It’s not good, just...get ready for the worse. I’ll be there soon” Misato finally mumbled and then promptly hung up the phone.

Rei put the phone back down and a strange feeling of dread washed over her but shook it away as she prepared the bath for her fellow pilot. She wondered if Ikari would like some tea after a pause and waiting to turn off the water to the tub, she went into the kitchen to make some of the bitter-tasting drink.

“I would be careful if I were you” grumbled a voice next to Rei as she worked in the kitchen. Rei looked over to see an older looking Asuka with a grumpy expression on her face, if Rei was surprised by the sudden appearance of her then she didn’t show it.

“Careful about what?” asked Rei bluntly.

The older woman raised an eyebrow, “Not even going to question it? How typical of the doll”

“....Am I supposed to question it?”

“In this case it might be best if you don’t ask questions, all you need to know at the moment is to trust Shinji, okay?”

“Why would there be a time that I wouldn’t?”

The older Asuka’s eyes widened slightly and an edgy tone, “Are you questioning me, First?” 

Rei stood her ground, “Yes”

Suddenly Asuka started to laugh, “Glad to see you have a personality this time, you know….he regrets it. He never had a chance to say goodbye to the real Rei Ayanami”

“The real Rei Ayanami?”

“Don’t worry about it, you’re the real deal. Just make sure you say that way, ‘kay? That bastard Gendo isn’t good for you” smiled the older Asuka.

The front doorbell rang loudly which caused Rei to turn her head and when she looked back the older Asuka had disappeared, had she been imagining it? The doorbell rang once again as Rei quickly turned off the stove and opened the front door to reveal a very tired looking Major Katsuragi and a disheveled Shinji Ikari draped over her shoulder.

“Is the bath ready?” asked Misato as she walked in.

Rei nodded.

“Good, I’ll get him cleaned up”

“Do you think he’ll want some tea?” asked Rei quietly, well quieter than usual. 

“I think he’ll love that” smiled Misato as she took him into the bathroom.

Misato quickly undressed the boy, including the bandages on his arms, and she could barely hold back her shock. There were scars on his body that clearly hadn’t been there before from what looked like a claw and bite marks raking against the front side of his torso plus some newly formed bruises, a strange scarred ring on the upper part of his right arm, and the strange circles imprinted on the palms of his hands. Misato had to look away and swiftly put him into the warm water of the bathtub where he audibly signed in relief, his breathing seemed to gain some steadiness to it which was a good sign but his head still seemed to be hazy as he barely kept his head up.

After his bath, Misato had dressed him in some comfortable clothing and laid out some blankets and a pillow in the living room so she could keep a better eye on him and to prevent any further tensions between him and Kaworu. Rei finished making the tea and set out a cup for whenever the boy decided to wake up from his slumber, eventually Kaworu and Asuka came back to the house the both of them wanted to see Shinji but were quickly stopped by Misato.

“Now right now, he went straight to sleep and I want to keep him that way before we start unboxing any concerns,” said Misato.

“Is he...okay?” wondered Kaworu.

Misato looked away and then looked back with a forced smile, “He’ll be fine!”

She had never been a very good liar.

.

.

.

.

_Shinji sat the end of Kaworu’s bed as he waited for the boy to return to his room, Shinji didn’t want to go back to Misato’s apartment not after what happened with Kaji and Rei wasn’t the Rei he knew anymore and Asuka….Asuka just wasn’t an option that he go to anymore, not that he could ever go to her no matter much he craved her presence._

_The door whizzed open and then closed as light footsteps came into the small little living room that also served as the white-haired boy’s bedroom._

_“Hello, Shinji Ikari” smiled Kaworu as he sat next to Shinji, who only leaned into the other boy._

_“Were you waiting for me?” asked Kaworu._

_“Yes,” said Shinji shyly._

_Kaworu leaned in closer as he intertwined his fingers with Shinji’s, “Did you perhaps want to do it?”_

_Shinji nodded slowly. He knew he was just using Kaworu for pleasure, to fulfill his own sick twisted desires and to fill the hole that Asuka had dug into him but he couldn’t help but feel...something for the boy. He didn’t really know if it was love but he still meant it whenever he said it to Kaworu._

_“I want to hear you say it” whispered Kaworu into Shinji’s ear._

_“...I-I want you to do me, Kaworu”_

_Kaworu chuckled and moved Shinji to the top of the bed but still let his legs dangle over it as he ripped off Shinji’s pants to show the latter’s half-hard cock. Kaworu smiled as got in between Shinji’s legs and licked lightly at his cock, dragging out his movements as much as he could._

_“K-Kaworu...ah….” groaned Shinji._

_Kaworu took that as a signal to keep going as his tongue continued to move up and down and times swirling around the tip of Shinji’s cock. Shinji wasn’t a loud person by any means, he kept himself quiet perhaps in a vain attempt not to show how much pleasure he really was experiencing._

_“Please, keep...going….fuck….” whined Shinji as his breathing quickened._

_Eventually, Kaworu enveloped his entire mouth around Shinji which only sent the boy into a squirming frenzy as he moved his hips ever so slightly in rhythm with Kaworu’s mouth._

_“I-I’m gonna cum….! Mmmfff!” cried Shinji as he felt the hot pressure in his stomach start to release until...it didn’t._

_Shinji gasped out in confusion as he looked down at Kaworu who had completely taken his mouth off of Shinji’s cock and ceased any other movements._

_“K-Kaworu? What’s wrong?” asked Shinji._

_Kaworu started to laugh in a sick, twisted way as he said, “Did you really think I would let you experience pleasure?”_

_Before Shinji could even reply the room around them dissolved to show the orange-hued Sea of LCL and Kaworu moved up closer to Shinji so he was face-to-face with him. Shinji could barely suppress his scream as the Kaworu before turned into a bloodied mess with the right side of his face being completely blown off with a gunshot wound and the stench of death filling Shinji’s nostrils._

_“Why didn’t you kill me?” asked Kaworu, “You knew that it was the only option yet you prolonged my suffering. I thought you loved me”_

_Shinji’s voice felt tight and he couldn’t find the words to say anything._

_“Won’t you answer him, Ikari?” asked a voice behind him and whose face was leaning into Shinji’s space. It was Ayanami, no….Lilith and the boy in front of him now known as Adam._

_“I-I-I…” stammered Shinji weakly._

_“You look so nice, so ready for us…” grinned Adam still with Kaworu’s intoxicating voice._

_“Do you want to be reborn? To become one?” asked Lilith._

_Adam soon went back down to where Shinji’s cock was still painfully erect, “We’ll make it feel good”_

_Shinji’s eyes widened as he realized what was about to happen to him, “No...No...get off….only Kaworu can…”_

_“But I am Kaworu” smiled Adam, “Or is it that you prefer the Second Child to do this?”_

_“No, I….please I don’t want this….!” yelled Shinji._

_“Well, that’s just too bad…” grinned Adam wickedly._

_Shinji screamed loudly and writhed underneath the two Angels as he could feel them ripping apart his body and soul. stop...Stop…..STOP._

.

Shinji's eyes shot open and quickly adjusted to the dim light, but his body didn’t move or rather it couldn’t move and his mind felt fuzzy as he slowly brought his hands above his head and then brought them down on his face, he focused on his breathing which was painful and sore. His throat started to tighten up as he lightly cried into his hands, he knew his time was coming to a close it was only a matter of when.

Misato looked at Shinji through the crack of her bedroom door. The computer light being the only thing to lighten the room and the empty beer cans kept her company. She wanted desperately to run and comfort Shinji but something told her that wasn’t a good idea so sat in silence as the boy pathetically cried himself back to sleep.

.

.

.

_Incident Report #0103_

_This is Vice Commander Kozo Fuyutsuki reporting on the incident related to both pilots of Evangelion Unit 01, it is unknown on what caused the Third Child, known as Shinji Ikari, to lash out at the Fourth Child, known as Kaworu Nagisa but the events before and during the Angel attack may led to some unfortunate conclusions._

_At 0900 hours an Angel was spotted approaching Tokyo-3, the pilots of Unit 02 had already been deployed and awaiting backup from the pilot of Unit 01 while the First and Fourth Child remained on standby but when the pilot of Unit 01 went into the Entry-Plug his Ego Boundary went off the charts with audio from the pilot appearing to mutter something to himself, the audio of it since been corrupted but we were able to salvage some of it._

_“...bzzzt….Mother….ple-....don’t…..just…..bzzt….fight…...bzzt...don’t hurt me”_

_It is unknown what these words mean or if they have any connection to later events._

_At 0930, Unit 01 was deployed into the field at first the Evangelion didn’t move but with heavy couching from Major Katsuragi and Commander Ikari the pilot was able to begin it’s attack, albeit slowly at first, and then quickly overtook the Angel, without the aid of Unit 02, completely ripping it apart to the point where it would have obtained the S2 Engine but the pilot decided to destroy it before the Engine could be obtained. The committee wants to note its displeasure in how these events played out._

_However after the Angel had been defeated, Unit 01 and its pilot continued on its rampage with the pilot noted to have said something about activating a ‘Beast Mode’, what this means is entirely unknown. Unit 01 was soon restrained by Unit 02 and brought back to NERV HQ where it placed in stasis to prevent any other incidents but by the time Dr. Akagi and other NERV personnel arrived to assess the situation and the pilot of Unit 01 had disappeared._

_At 1030, this is the only footage and audio that we were able to obtain about the incident between the two pilots of Unit 01 as the committee has confiscated most of the footage to be analyzed for the future._

_Shinji slammed Kaworu into the lockers behind him forcefully and yelled, “You did this to me! This is your damn fault! I should've killed you as you wanted!”_

_“Shinji-?!” gasped out Kaworu._

_“The voices I hear won’t shut up! I knew getting in the Eva again was a bad idea!” ranted Shinji which appeared to be unconnecting and incoherent in what he was truly angry about._

_At this point, the Third Child nearly broke the Fourth Child’s hand and caused light bruises and scratches across his body by this time Shinji was restrained by NERV officials and placed under sedation and heavy surveillance._

_How or if these events are connected is unknown, as of this moment the Third Child has been placed on leave and may not pilot any Evangelion in the present or near future._

.

_._

.

When Rei Ayanami woke up for the morning, she noticed that the tea she had made for Ikari last night hadn’t been touched nor did it appear that he had moved from his spot in the night but what she did notice was the fact that both Kaworu and Asuka were lying on the couch with their hands intertwined.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Man, that was a pretty long chapter! With some startling revelations lol it's just gonna get crazier from here! 
> 
> Any and all comments are welcome! It greatly helps with motivation!


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